Snapshots
by Lossefalme
Summary: A fic filling in the gaps between what happens between Shepard and Kaidan in the game, hopefully gives their relationship more depth. They are both good soldiers, but can't deny what they feel...
1. Part One: Akuze: Coming to Terms

**Author's Note:**  
1) Firstly, TWTF people (if you happen to be reading this) - don't get your knickers in a knot, your fic will be updated this weekend. (Yes, it's true.)   
2) **GAME SPOILERS** **follow!** You have been warned!  
3) This has not be beta'd, so I apologize for any errors. Also, if my memory is foggy on any game details let me know and I will fix them right up.  
4) Unfortunately I have not been able to trigger the "I Remember Me" side quest, so hopefully that does not effect anything mentioned in these little fics.  
5) This "fic" is more like several related oneshots posted as one longer story, like snapshots of events taken at various points throughout the game and then colored with more missing scene stuff and background. Hopefully the flow will not be too horrific!  
6) PS: I have taken a tiny liberty with the design of the Normandy and said there are little windows in the com room. There are usually some kind of windows in rooms used for briefings/debriefings, so it seems like there should be some there, even though there isn't in the game. But damnit, I want some there, so now there are windows in the com room. Little ones. Sorry if this causes any of you undue canonical stress. ;)

* * *

**Part One: Akuze  
**_Kepler Verge Sector, Newton System, Ontarom geosynchronous orbit._

Commander Elizabeth Shepard stood alone in the com room, looking out one of the small observation ports to the planet Ontarom below. She'd had a very brief mission debriefing with Gunnery Chief Williams and Tali, the two who had accompanied her on her latest task, but even after they had left, Elizabeth found herself unable to leave the window.

She just stood there staring down at the planet, trying to come to terms with what she had learned in the facility below its surface. She believed Corporal Toombs had been telling the truth. And she believed the scientist had gotten what he deserved. But something still just didn't seem right. Maybe it was because she had thought for so long she was the only one to make it out of Akuze alive. Then, as soon as she'd discovered that wasn't true, Toombs had gone and shot himself.

Elizabeth had come to terms with Akuze long ago. She had finally learned to deal with the nightmares, the guilt, the anger… but now… now it all seemed so fresh again. Now there were so many more questions that needed to be answered. Before she'd known about Toombs' survival and the real reason behind the thresher maw attacks, the whole incident had been just that – an animal attack. But suddenly Akuze was so much more complicated… so much more sinister…

The door hissed open behind her, but Elizabeth didn't turn. She already knew who it was.

"Are you all right?" Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko asked quietly, stepping into the com room and closing the door behind him.

"Yah, I'm fine," Elizabeth said. It was a reflexive answer, but at the moment the feelings still tumbling around inside her head defied any explanation. From her peripheral vision she saw Kaiden move across the room and stop beside her, following her gaze to the planet still hovering below. The two of them stood that way in silence for awhile. Elizabeth had come to appreciate that about the Lieutenant. He never tried to pry. Never made demands. Just offered an ear when she needed to talk and his opinion when she needed to listen. And silence when she needed to think. He knew perfectly well she wasn't fine at the moment, but said nothing more. He simply stood there next to her, letting her know he was there if she became inclined to share.

His quiet and unassuming nature calmed her, as it always did. She supposed that's why she often sought him out after a mission. And probably what had started the rumors about the true depth of their relationship. Elizabeth never outwardly confirmed or denied such rumors – she never supported gossip aboard any military vessel – but inwardly she had to admit a part of her was drawn to Lieutenant Alenko in a very unprofessional manner. She was sure now he felt the same about her, as well. They had let slip a few flirtatious comments in their past conversations, but were always careful to keep things subtle and under control. There were regulations on that sort of thing, after all. Not to mention how a relationship like that could create an unnecessary distraction from their true goal: to stop Saren at all costs.

But she wasn't too worried about that. Lieutenant Alenko had shown an amazing ability to keep his military duties separate from his personal life. He could switch from fun and friendly to all-business soldier nearly as fast as she could. And that was a very comforting thought. Elizabeth knew she wouldn't have to worry about his feelings for her getting in the way during a battle. He hadn't yet done anything reckless or stupid in an attempt to "protect" her, which is what she had been most afraid of since recognizing their situation for what it was. Every time they stepped off the _Normandy_, Kaiden was all soldier. Just the way she liked it.

A small smile crept to her lips as another rush of appreciation swept through her. But then it faded as she realized such thoughts of the Lieutenant were doing exactly what she didn't want them to do: distract her. Her frown deepened, her mind going back to the grim and depressing things that had occupied it before Kaiden's arrival. Elizabeth sighed heavily and turned away from the window, pacing to the middle of the room and massaging her temples with her fingertips. She stared at the floor, but still felt Alenko at the window behind her. Still silent and unobtrusive. Still waiting patiently.

"I assume by now you've heard what happened on Ontarom?" she asked suddenly. It wouldn't do any good to keep it to herself, and Kaiden _was_ the one person on the crew she felt most at ease with…

"Only vaguely," came the answer. "Joker mentioned something about writing up a mission report, but I didn't get any specifics." He paused, then said cautiously, "I just heard it had something to do with Akuze."

"That's right," Elizabeth said, her voice strangely toneless. "Akuze."

Another silence followed her admission, and she knew then that Kaiden wasn't even going to attempt to lead this conversation. She turned to face him, crossing her arms across her chest. "How much do you know about what happened on Akuze, Lieutenant?"

Alenko shifted at her question, his dark brown eyes glancing down to the floor. She was making him nervous by putting him on the spot; this was something they had never really talked about before. And Kaiden was a cautious man - he didn't want to offend or make her uncomfortable. "Speak freely, Kaiden," Elizabeth encouraged, understanding his hesitation. Akuze was a delicate subject for many people, least of all her.

The use of his first name brought the Lieutenant's eyes back up to her face. "Yes ma'am." He straightened and gave a nod. "Truth is... I don't really know that much. Just what was broadcast on the general news: your unit ran into a nest of thresher maws... and you were the only one who made it out alive. I thought that was the end of the story, but when I found out we came to Ontarom because of what had happened on Akuze..." He shrugged. "I thought I might come check on you. If that was inappropriate of me –"

Elizabeth waved his words away. "Stop second-guessing yourself, Kaiden. If you piss me off I'll let you know."

The tiniest of smiles pulled at the Lieutenant's mouth. "Yes, ma'am."

"But you're correct," Shepard continued, beginning to pace a line through the middle of the circle of chairs. "There's more to what happened on Akuze than they reported in the news. There's more to it than even _I_ knew, and I was there." She sighed heavily, then stopped pacing and faced Kaiden once more. "You remember why we were sent to Akuze in the first place?"

Kaiden nodded. "Yah, the colony had dropped out of contact… the Systems Alliance wanted someone to go in and check it out."

"Well, we checked it out," Elizabeth said darkly. "Those thresher maws laid waste to the entire colony. There wasn't even anyone left for us to save. And as soon as we hit the surface the threshers came after us… I lost every single one of my men... barely made it back to the landing zone myself…" She trailed off, trying not to get lost in the gruesome memories. "Admiral Hackett sent me a message two days ago," she said, sounding much stronger than she felt and beginning to pace again. "Apparently Akuze had an underground research facility where a few scientists hid out during the attack. They survived."

The Lieutenant frowned. "How come we never knew about them before?"

"I don't think they wanted anyone to know they existed. But eventually someone _did_ find them - Admiral Hackett told me they were being killed off one by one."

"That's all… very suspicious."

"My thoughts exactly. According to the Admiral's information, the last one still living was located somewhere here in the Newton system."

Kaiden lifted one eyebrow. "No wonder we jumped over here so fast. So… what did you find out?"

Elizabeth grunted, shaking her head. "Someone else besides me and those scientists survived Akuze."

"What?"

"Corporal Toombs. One of the men under my command. Turns out he didn't die in the attack. Turns out… the scientists were the ones behind the whole goddamn attack in the first place."

"_What_?"

"It was all some kind of bizarre, twisted experiment. The scientists were _studying_ the thresher maws… wanted to see what they were really capable of. They _provoked_ the threshers into attacking the colony. The fact that a marine unit showed up in an attempt to help was just a bonus for them. What better way to see how threshers handled weapons fire?" Elizabeth turned her back on Kaiden, feeling her throat tighten at the very thought her men had been sacrificed for such a useless reason. "They recovered Corporal Toombs afterwards." She swallowed hard, feeling tears sting the backs of her eyes. "He said he woke up in a holding cell. That they were thrilled he had survived so they could perform more experiments on him. They wanted to examine the _full effects_ of a thresher attack on human physiology…" She drew in a deep, shuddering breath, unwilling to lose her composure in front of one of her team.

There was a moment of silence, and then Kaiden asked, "Corporal Toombs… was on Ontarom?"

Elizabeth nodded. "He was the one killing the scientists. I don't know when they stopped tormenting him, or if they let him go or he escaped, but he wanted revenge. After what they did to him – after what they did to all of us, to all those colonists – I don't blame him." She clenched her fists at her sides. "I would have killed that son-of-a-bitch scientist myself if I had known earlier."

Shepard waited to see if the Lieutenant would criticize such sentiments – he was the one always warning her about cutting corners, after all – but he seemed to sense this was not the time for such a comment. Instead he said, "Surely you don't think the Systems Alliance planned that attack… do you?"

Elizabeth closed her eyes, shrugging. "I don't know. I never found out who was really behind it all. We got to the facility right as Toombs was confronting the scientist - Dr. Carson, I guess his name was. The Corporal told me what had really happened on Akuze… and of course the good doctor denied everything."

"And you believe Corporal Toombs was telling the truth?"

Shepard spun to face Kaiden, her glare sharper than she had intended. "I trusted every one of the people in my unit with my life," she said in a low voice. "Of course I believe him."

"I'm sorry," Kaiden stammered, "I wasn't trying to – I didn't mean for it to sound that way…"

Elizabeth exhaled loudly, trying to force herself to relax. "I know," she admitted quietly. "It's all right. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just… I'm just a little upset…" She sighed again, swallowing hard. "Corporal Toombs shot himself."

Kaiden blinked, obviously finding it just as difficult as she was to absorb everything. "Oh. I'm… I'm sorry…"

"It was because of what they did to him," Elizabeth growled, stalking back to the window, glaring down at the planet. "He wanted to kill those scientists for what they had done, and I agreed with him. I told him to shoot Dr. Carson. It's what he wanted. It's what _I_ wanted. I thought it would help." She glanced at Kaiden from the corner of her eye, attempting to gage his reactions. His brow furrowed, but otherwise he was hard to read. He watched her intently, listening, waiting for her to go on. So she did. "It helped Toombs find some peace, I think. But he was too far gone for me to do anything else but let him have that final moment of vengeance. After Dr. Carson was dead, and Toombs killed himself, I… I don't know."

Shepard moved from the window to one of the chairs and sank down into it, dropping her head into her hands. Talking to someone about the Ontarom mess was therapeutic, and yet she was hesitant to divulge the depth of her uncertainty on the subject. Lieutenant Alenko was a subordinate, no matter what feelings had thus far grown between them. And she was supposed to be his commanding officer. How much of this weakness could she afford to show him?

"Commander," Kaiden spoke up softly, coming to stand beside her, "I know I've only served with you for a short time now, but if there's one thing I've learned since you came aboard the _Normandy_, it's that you don't stand for the murdering of innocent people. Dr. Carson and the other scientists killed a lot of people. A lot of people who didn't deserve to die. A lot of people who didn't _have_ to die."

Elizabeth nodded mutely, not trusting her voice. The tears she'd managed to restrain before were now blurring her vision; she blinked them back quickly as Kaiden stepped closer.

"You did what you felt was right," the Lieutenant assured her. "And for what it's worth, I think you made the right call. Dr. Carson was willing to sacrifice hundreds of lives just for the sake of studying an animal – who knows what he might have tried next."

Shepard swiped quickly at her tears, then looked up to Kaiden and graced him with a half smile. The fact he'd come to the same conclusions as she had eased the nagging doubt that had assailed her since leaving the Ontarom compound. Though she knew a part of her would always blame herself for Toombs' death, the weight of her decision regarding Dr. Carson seemed lessened. It wasn't that she necessarily regretted his murder – the man deserved worse than a bullet in the brain as far as she was concerned – but she couldn't help but wonder if she should have arrested him instead. Maybe then she could have gotten some answers… maybe it would have been better for Corporal Toombs to have less blood on his hands and more time to cope with what had happened to him.

In the end she had decided it was simply too risky to arrest the doctor. The man had to pay for his crimes… for Toombs' sake, for her sake, for the sake of the fifty marines who had died at Akuze. She couldn't take the chance of politics getting in the way of Dr. Carson's trial. She had been right in not wanting to take that risk. And Kaiden was right - the man was dangerous. Now he couldn't hurt anyone else ever again.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," she whispered. "I needed that."

He gave her a small smile in return. "I know."

Their eyes met and held, and Elizabeth's breath caught in her throat. They way he looked at her… it made her skin tingle. She opened her mouth to say something, but words failed her. She coughed to cover her speechlessness, then stood from the chair. "Well…" she finally managed, "I should probably go make the report to Admiral Hackett…"

Kaiden snapped out of his stare. "Oh, right. Of course."

Shepard gave him a full smile this time. "Thanks again for the talk, Kaiden."

"Anytime, Commander," he returned.

Elizabeth moved for the door, looking back once over her shoulder as she activated the controls to exit. The Lieutenant was still watching her, but when he saw her look back he hastily moved toward one of the windows. Shepard tried hard to suppress the grin itching at her lips, stepping through the doorway and continuing on toward her quarters. She had the distinct impression that her relationship with Kaiden Alenko had just taken another step in a forbidden direction.

For some reason that knowledge didn't bother her as much as it should have.

* * *


	2. Part Two: Virmire: Perspective

**Author's Note:**  
1) Firstly, much thanks must go to my beta for this part, impsy2930! Thanks hon!  
2) **Game spoilers follow**! Be warned!

* * *

**Part Two: Virmire  
**"**Perspective"  
**_Twenty-six hours out from Virmire, en route to Serpent Nebula._

Elizabeth Shepard had not slept in at least thirty-four hours. She sat at her desk in her quarters on the _Normandy _and stared at the computer screen in front of her. The cursor hovered over the button that would allow her to record a voice message… a message addressed to Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams' mother. Except Shepard couldn't bring herself to hit the button or compose the message. Doing that would just confirm the fact that Williams was gone, and it was still too soon for Elizabeth to fully accept that truth.

She had spent every minute of the last twenty-six hourspainstakingly going over the events of Virmire piece by piece, trying to figure out where she went wrong. It was unacceptable to lose anyone under her command. Absolutely unacceptable. After Akuze she hadvowed to do everything in her power to keep her people safe. In the six years since, not one soldier under her had died. Until yesterday.

Elizabeth swallowed hard, feeling warm tears slide down her already wet cheeks_. I never should have let Captain Kirrahe take her. _Shepard had learned to trust her instincts over the years, and she'd had a bad feeling about that mission from the start. She should have known better. She should have never separated her team. She should have come up with a better plan than the salarians' suicide run.

_There was no other way to take down that facility_, a voice inside her head defended, but that reality, however valid, did little to ease the pressing guilt, the maddening sense of helplessness… Elizabeth stood abruptly from her desk, pacing furiously back and forth across her room as the same arguments played out in her mind for the millionth time. _That was the only choice we had… the best way to destroy Saren's operations. It had to be done that way. But still… I shouldn't have given Captain Kirrahe one of my people. He could have done without… maybe they wouldn't have held as long, but the diversion still could have worked…_

_Maybe Kaidan __should have gone with the salarians, and Ashley stayed with me…_

Shepard stopped pacing, closing her eyes. _No. Ashley was the better fighter, she had a better chance... _Elizabeth took a deep breath, her heart squeezing at the thought. She had never dreamed she might have to choose between members of her team… who would live and who would die… it was a decision every commanding officer knew might be asked of them with the start of each mission, but Shepard had never wanted to exercise that responsibility. She had always taken every precaution to avoid it, to ensure that everyone came out alive, no matter if it made their assignments longer or more difficult.

But this time it seemed losing someone had been unavoidable. It was either Ashley or Kaidan. Shepard clenched her jaw, looking toward the door to her quarters as if she could see through the _Normandy_'s walls to where hecurrently worked at his post. She told herself over and over again that she had not chosen Kaidan because of the way she felt about him. He had been closer, after all, and more reachable. If the geth had killed him, it was entirely possible they could have disarmed the nuke and rendered the entire mission futile. And why hadn't she sent him with the salarians? Because Ashley _did_ stand a better chance against such overwhelming enemy odds, and Kaidan would be faster at arming the bomb. It was all very logical. It all made sense.

Except that Shepard remembered the deep and fleeting panic that had stabbed the pit of her stomach when Kaidan radioed to tell her the geth had overtaken his position. She remembered that one frozen second when all that mattered to her in the world was getting to him. And that knowledge scared the hell out of her. It was a slap in the face – a shocking display of the fact her casual flirting with Lieutenant Alenko had somehow changed into something much more serious.

Elizabeth couldn't stand the thought that Ashley might have died because she let herself get too emotionally involved with a fellow officer. _No_, Shepard told herself firmly. _It wasn't like that. _She had already sent the Virmire report to Admiral Hackett – despite her Spectre status, Elizabeth knew the Systems Alliance brass would go over every one of the decisions she'd made there. If they disagreed with any of them or thought she might have compromised Williams' safety because of illicit feelings for the Lieutenant, they would have confronted her about it long ago.

That was evidence enough to prove Shepard had done everything right, given the circumstances. And that was the only thing that could really convince her she had not acted on her emotions. But losing Ashley still burned Elizabeth to the core. It was hard on the rest of the crew, too… especially Kaidan. He seemed to want to take as much responsibility for Williams' death as Shepard did. She shook her head at the thought. Kaidan had no reason to blame himself. None at all. She tried to make that absolutely clear to him in the debriefing, but grief bred a strong type of stubbornness.

She and Kaidan had hardly seen each other since he'd been released from the med-bay twenty-two hours ago. Everyone had been busy mourning in their own way… but Shepard also got the feeling Kaidan was avoiding her. Likely he felt as guilty as she did over the possibility that the growing relationship between them could have caused the disaster at Virmire. But the blunt truth was – it'd had nothing to do with it. Kaidan needed to understand that as badly as she did. Shepard sighed, making up her mind to set things straight on that subject once and for all, and exited her quarters.

She found the Lieutenant sitting in the mess, hunched over the table with his head in his hands. "Kaidan?" she asked gently, announcing her presence as she walked around to stand opposite him.

He startled at the sound of his name, then jumped to his feet when he saw who it was. "Commander," he said quickly, throwing her a salute. The action made him grimace, his other hand instinctively going to his side. "I'm sorry, I was just… I'll get back to my post…"

"Kaidan," Elizabeth said firmly, "sit down."

"Oh, well I… yes, ma'am." He did so.

Shepard took the seat across from him, noticing a few other crew members at the next table got up and left the mess rather quickly, throwing backward glances over their shoulders as they went. She chose to ignore the implications of their actions and turned her attention back to Kaidan. "I see your side is still bothering you."

He nodded, rubbing the tender area absently. "Yeah, that geth prime hit me pretty hard…" His gaze shifted away, and Elizabeth decided to just get to the point before he thought of some excuse to leave.

"Look, Kaidan… I wanted to talk to you about what happened on Virmire."

He swallowed visibly. "I know… it wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault. We had to destroy that facility, and that was the only way."

Shepard studied him for a moment. "Do you believe that or are you just saying it?"

Alenko hesitated, then shook his head, leaning back in his chair and bringing his eyes to meet Elizabeth's again. "No, I believe it. I didn't used to… but the more I think about it, the more I think you were right. If there's anyone to blame it's Saren – and I swear to God when we find that son-of-a-bitch I'm going to make him pay for the hell he's put us through."

Elizabeth whole-heartedly agreed. She leaned forward over the table. "I assure you, Kaidan, nothing will stop us from making sure that turian pays." To think she had actually attempted to talk Saren into joining her. She wouldn't make that mistake again. The next time she saw that alien's face, she was going to put a bullet in it.

Alenko nodded, then sighed heavily. "I just… I just wish there was something more we could have done for Ash…"

On impulse Shepard reached forward and grasped Kaidan's hand. He looked up at the touch, but then wrapped his strong fingers around her palm.

"I wanted to go back for her," Elizabeth whispered. "I planned on it. But… there just wasn't enough time…" Tears stung her eyes again and Elizabeth blinked them back quickly, sucking in a deep breath to try and collect herself.

Kaidan squeezed her hand. "I know," he said quietly. "Everyone knows. You would never leave anyone behind. You had no other choice."

_Except to leave you behind instead_, Elizabeth thought, and she knew then that she had to say what really needed to be said. "There's something I want to tell you," she began unsteadily, then took a second to compose herself, clearing her throat. When she continued her voice was clear, and she straightened in her chair. "You and I have… crossed… a few lines lately."

The Lieutenant almost winced at her words and released her hand, shifting uncomfortably in his chair.

"I don't regret it," Elizabeth said, knowing it was the truth. "I'm not ashamed of it. We're both soldiers. We know our duty. We know the stakes. So I'm sure I don't have to remind you that the incident on Virmire – the choice I made – was a result of purely professional reasoning." _Yes, I felt something… God did I feel something… but I didn't base my decision on it. As much as I feared I had… in the end, the training must have won out. _She watched Kaidan closely for his reaction, and was comforted to see him noticeably relax. Shepard had suspected most of the man's guilt originated from his concern that their fraternization had influenced her decision to come to his aid instead of Ashley's. She felt it necessary – for her sake as well as Kaidan's – to make it very clear that was not the case and never would be. _I don't want to lose what we have, but I must be careful. Very careful…_

Kaidan nodded slowly. "Of course. I understand."

"Whatever may happen aboard this ship during any downtime is our business," Shepard added, and the statement brought Alenko's eyes back to her rather quickly. "But unless we're heading out on shore-leave, once we step through _Normandy_'s airlock none of that matters. Not to me, not to you."

She had Kaidan's full attention now, and she felt the confusion and agony of the last twenty-six hours finally beginning to ease. She had just laid out new borders for her relationship with the Lieutenant, drawing lines that could not and would not be crossed. He nodded again, showing his agreement, and Elizabeth exhaled quietly in relief.

"To be honest, Commander, I'm glad to hear you say that."

She granted him a small smile. "I know." Shepard stood from her seat, her smile growing a little at his bewildered expression. "Take it easy on that side, Lieutenant," she said, laying a hand on his shoulder, and then she walked away, back toward her quarters.

* * *

Kaidan stared after Commander Shepard, still feeling the impression of her hand on his shoulder, and tried to comprehend all that had just been said. Although he reluctantly came to the conclusion some time ago that nothing else could have been done to save Ashley, and that Shepard's reasons for coming to save _him _were professionally justified, he hadn't really believed himself until he heard Shepard say the same things out loud, until he'd looked her in the face and saw she spoke the truth. She wasn't just trying to make him feel better. 

Still, Kaidan thought they might have taken their flirtations too far. Maybe Shepard could keep emotions out of her decisions, but when he'd seen Saren grab her by the throat and lift her bodily into the air, the depth of his feelings for her became appallingly clear. He'd still been reeling from the geth prime's blow; his side throbbing in agony, his body stinging and numb from the electrical shock, and yet Kaidan had tried with all his strength to get to her, to help her… _Please don't take her from me_, he had begged. _Not because of me, don't let her die because of me…_

His feeble attempts to regain his feet distracted Saren just long enough for Shepard to give the turian a well-deserved punch in the face and escape his grasp. _If Saren hadn't looked away at me, it might have been too late…_ But then Kaidan shook his head. _No. There was that noise. It was Sovereign, calling Saren away. Even if he hadn't seen me, he would have left just seconds later. _The Lieutenant swallowed hard, ashamed of the fact a mere coincidence had gotten them off Virmire alive.

_Those seconds could have been all Saren needed_, Kaidan thought grimly in a half-hearted attempt to convince himself he had done _something_ to help Shepard in that battle. A turian was easily capable of breaking a human's neck one-handedly, and it would have taken only another second… He closed his eyes against the mental images, shoving them out of his mind and replacing them with memories of how she'd looked sitting across from him just minutes earlier: her shining green eyes, still red with tears; the strands of black hair that kept falling across her face as she talked. The way she looked directly at him, so intent and so honest. The feel of her warm hand on his, and the way her uniform hugged her trim and athletic frame… Kaidan rubbed his hands over his face, exhaling loudly.

_Damnit to hell. We never should have started this._ He had been fully prepared to cut things off after the events on Virmire. As painful as it would have been, he was willing to do it for the sake of the mission. Except… then Shepard had come and completely destroyed his resolve by saying she didn't _want_ to end whatever it was they had. She just wanted to keep it in perspective. _That might be easy for her_, he thought sourly, _but I don't know how much more I can take. If she gets into trouble again… I can't guarantee I'll follow orders or procedures or regulations… I just can't…_

"_Whatever may happen aboard this ship during any downtime is our business." _Shepard's words came back to him. _"But unless we're heading out on shore-leave, once we step through _Normandy_'s airlock none of that matters. Not to me, not to you."_

Her statement assured him she would continue to fully embrace her role as commanding officer while on missions, and helped ease most of his concerns about the effects of their relationship on the efficiency of the team. From her end, at least. He supposed the only thing left for him to do at this point was try his damnedest to keep it together on his end.

* * *

_Eleven hours later, aboard the _Normandy_, Citadel docking bay._

By the time Commander Shepard made it back to the _Normandy_ after her meeting with the Council, everyone already knew she was pissed, and they knew why: the _Normandy_ was grounded until further notice. The crew wisely gave her a wide berth as she stomped from the airlock and went straight for her quarters, sealing the door behind her. Kaidan watched her go, knowing exactly how she felt. After all they had done for the Council, after all they had been through these past four months, after all they had sacrificed at Virmire… to be brushed off so easily… to be stopped when they were so close…

Politics disgusted him. It had been all he could do to stand there and listen to Ambassador Udina's bullshit and brown-nosing. By the end of it he'd thought for sure the Commander was just going to push the man off the walkway and be done with him. Her glare could have burned holes through titanium… the Ambassador obviously didn't realize what a mistake it was to make Shepard angry.

"_Nobody stabs me in the back, Ambassador,"_ she had snarled before leaving. _"Nobody."_

Kaidan sighed heavily, shaking his head. _She's gotten us out of some pretty tight spots before. But this… I don't know how we're going to get past this._

"If you want to know what I think," Garrus said, and Kaidan startled at the words – he had forgotten the turian was standing right next to him. "I think Ambassador Udina is going to regret grounding the _Normandy_."

The Lieutenant grunted in agreement, crossing his arms. "Yeah. In more ways than one."

Garrus looked to Kaidan curiously. "What do you mean?"

Alenko shrugged, still looking at Shepard's closed door. "Well… if we stay grounded, the Reapers will show up and wipe us all out. If we ever manage to get off the Citadel, the Commander is going to give Udina hell for grounding us in the first place." _And then I'll go punch him in the face for talking to Shepard like that_, he added silently to himself.

"I see," the turian mused. There was a short pause, then, "Somehow I doubt we'll be stuck here long. The Commander has a... an innate ability, it seems, to make things go her way."

Kaidan glanced sideways at Garrus, knowing the turian really had no idea how true that statement was. "You got that right," he muttered.

* * *

Two full hours had passed before Shepard emerged from her quarters again. Alenko was pretending to work at his post, a vantage point from which he could easily keep watch on her door. This wasn't the first time he'd been thankful for the fact his systems monitors happened to be next to her room; often he busied himself here just for the sake of being in a place she would have to pass frequently. So far the strategy had worked to his advantage. He and Shepard talked – well, flirted mostly – on a daily basis. At least. But this time she didn't even look in his direction, instead going straight toward her locker. 

Kaidan watched her warily from a distance. He didn't want to pester her, but he also felt it might help for her to let off some steam. Whether that was by talking out her frustrations or working them out in the rec room he didn't care. Just as long as she didn't try to keep it all inside like she usually did. It was a secret pride of Kaidan's that he alone of the _Normandy _crew seemed to be able to get the Commander to open up and drop the façade of unshakable military toughness she always tried to convey. This was one of those times he felt she might benefit from his presence. He _hoped_ she would benefit from his presence. Most of the crew had already left the _Normandy_ to occupy themselves on the Citadel while they had the chance. As far as Kaidan knew, the only ones still on board besides himself and the Commander were Joker – that man _never _left the ship, and Alenko had a good idea that choice wasn't influenced by the condition of the pilot's legs, either – and Wrex, still glowering as usual down in the garage.

_Maybe some good can come of being grounded, after all_, he thought absently as he made his way slowly in her direction. He hadn't yet had any real time alone with Shepard, and what she'd said to him only hours earlier still echoed in his mind: _"What happens aboard the _Normandy _during any downtime is our business…" _The Lieutenant sighed, watching as Shepard rummaged around in her locker for who-knew-what. _This would be a helluvalot easier if I could just figure out what exactly is going on between us. How can I keep it in perspective if I don't even know what it is? _It had been simple enough in the beginning; just an infatuation he never dreamed would actually go anywhere. But then that had turned into open flirting and a few exchanges he was sure would result in disciplinary action if any superior had been around to overhear them. And now, after Virmire… _Now things are different. Things are different… and I can't tell if that's good or bad._

He glanced at the mess and nearby sleeper pods quickly, but they were empty. Everything was quiet save for the hum of the lights and the distant beeping of a maintenance monitor. They were alone. Completely alone.

Kaidan looked back to the Commander and saw her sit down heavily on the floor, leaning against the row of lockers with shoulders slumped. He moved toward her without thinking, his heart going out to her. She looked so tired, so spent, so… hopeless. And that wasn't like Shepard. She always had a plan, a way out, a scheme up her sleeve. Kaidan took a deep breath as he approached, his concern over her condition growing with each step. But as he drew up next to her she finally lifted her head to look at him, and he was surprised at her expression. There was no pretense of authority on her features this time; her green eyes searched his face almost desperately, as if hoping he had all the answers.

He shifted under her scrutiny. "Commander, are you all right?" As soon as he asked the question he knew it was stupid – of course she wasn't all right. Any idiot could have seen she wasn't all right… "I'm sure there's a way to appeal," he continued quickly in an effort to boost her spirits. "We're under the Alliance's authority after all, not the Council's."

Shepard gave a snort and rolled her eyes. "Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that."

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, though he knew it shouldn't shock him given the Council's habit of ignoring problems till they grew large enough to come bite them in the collective ass. "Closed?" he repeated incredulously. "And we're supposed to accept that? So what do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out we may as well get a good seat."

"We'll think of something," Shepard said, and the slight edge to her voice told Kaidan she was still too angry to appreciate any sarcastic remarks about their situation. "I just need to figure things out."

He gave a nod and swallowed hard, hoping he wasn't making things worse instead of better. "If I can be of any help, let me know," he managed. And then added, "I hope I'm not out of line saying that."

Shepard peered up at him for a moment, cocking her head to one side. "You always this cautious with a sure thing?"

Kaidan grunted. _So it's a sure thing, is it?_ "Yeah," he answered honestly, "I always leave a way out; you know that. I'm here for you, but we're in a rough spot, and the last thing I wanna do is muddy things." He shook his head. "Like it's all that clear to start with… are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

A smile tugged at the corners of Shepard's mouth. "Can't just pull out a good ol' fashioned 'It'll be all right', can you?" she asked.

Kaidan blinked; her bluntness still threw him off sometimes. "It's that easy, huh?" He crossed his arms. "Okay then." _What the Commander wants, the Commander gets. _"Everything will be fine, Shepard," he said. "You'll figure it out."

She smiled appreciatively, and Kaidan's heart skipped a beat. He hadn't seen a real smile on her face for so long… "That wasn't so hard now, was it?" she asked.

"I could get used to it," he admitted. Then he remembered what else he had wanted to discuss with Shepard now that there was no one else around, now that they had some time to themselves. He reached down to help her up and gave a return smile. "I guess we have some downtime to figure out what we are, huh?"

The Commander lifted one eyebrow at him and accepted his offered hand. He stepped back to pull her to her feet at the same time she pushed off the floor, and their combined momentum made Shepard stumble – right into Kaidan's arms. He caught her easily even as she gripped the sleeves of his uniform for balance, and then they stared at each other, both startled by the sudden closeness. But neither of them made a move to separate.

Kaidan felt Shepard's breathing quicken, matching his own. He wondered if her heart was also roaring in her ears… His eyes locked with hers, and he was painfully aware of how reachable her lips were. A rush of desire swept through him but he fought it instinctively. _Always leave a way out_, he reminded himself. _She's your CO… it's against regulations… leave a way out…_

The moment seemed to stretch into eternity, and with each passing second Kaidan became more and more aware of how close she was to him; the feel of her against his arms, the shallow breaths on his face, the liquid green stare, her grip on his sleeves, the closeness of her lips… _There's nobody here_, he thought defiantly. _To hell with the regulations…_

He leaned forward at the same time she did.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," Joker's voice came suddenly from the PA and both of them jumped, jerking away from their potential kiss. Kaidan scowled, hating the pilot very much at that moment. "… but I've got a message from Captain Anderson."

Shepard stepped away from the Lieutenant, glaring up at the intercom's speaker. "Are you spying on us, Joker?" The irritation in her voice did little to ease Kaidan's embarrassment as he realized he'd forgotten about the _Normandy_'s observation cameras. There weren't many, but they were strategically placed and Joker had access to all of them from the helm. Kaidan flushed at the thought and cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck uneasily.

"No, ma'am," Joker answered innocently enough, "just knew you were on the ship and figured I'd pass the message on. The Captain said to meet him at Flux, that club down in the Wards."

Shepard's green eyes widened and Kaidan knew what she was thinking: Captain Anderson had a plan. It would be like him to help them out in a situation like this; he wasn't a big fan of the Council or Ambassador Udina, either. Kaidan sighed, both glad that they might have an answer to their problem and disappointed that his time alone with Shepard had been cut so ridiculously short. _So much for that downtime I wanted…_ He forced himself to look the Commander in the face, trying hard not to let his disappointment show. "Well, I guess you'd better go then," he said, and his attempt to sound enthusiastic fell flat.

Shepard frowned at him. "What do you mean _I'd_ better go? You're coming with me. Go get your gear and meet me at the airlock in two minutes."

Kaidan's mouth fell open, but he wasn't sure what he expected to say. He wasn't sure why he hadn't expected to go with her in the first place. The Commander never went _anywhere_ without a team, believing that one could never predict when a bad situation might arise and should always be prepared. Of the entire _Normandy_ crew, he and Wrex were the only soldiers available to her at the moment. Of course he would go with her. He shut his mouth and nodded. "Yes ma'am."

She turned her back on him to resume rummaging in her locker and keyed the radio she constantly kept stuck in her ear. "Wrex, this is Commander Shepard. We're going on a trip… get suited up and meet me at the airlock in two minutes."

"Good," the krogan's gravelly voice came back. "No use just standing around."

"Agreed. Shepard out." She turned off the radio and pulled out her armor, but then stopped as she realized Kaidan was still standing behind her. She glanced at him over her shoulder. "Something else to say, Lieutenant?"

Her question made him notice he'd been staring and he averted his eyes, feeling his face grow hot for the second time in the past five minutes. He was having trouble shaking the realization that he and Shepard had actually been about to _kiss_. But she already acted like it had never happened. _"… unless we're heading out on shore-leave, once we step through _Normandy_'s airlock none of that matters. Not to me, not to you."_

"Well?" she prodded, startling Kaidan from his thoughts.

He looked up to her and shook his head. "No. No, Commander. I was just… thinking. Sorry. I'll go get suited up." He turned around and made his way back toward the elevator to head down to his locker. He'd almost reached it when her voice stopped him.

"Kaidan?"

He looked to her, eyebrows raised.

"We won't be grounded forever."

He nodded. "I know."

"And it'll take us awhile to get to Ilos."

Clueless as to where she was going with that, Kaidan replied vaguely. "Most likely."

"So we can continue… our discussion… then. Right?"

He smiled at her, though inwardly he wondered if they would ever really have any time while Saren was still alive and trying to destroy the galaxy. "Yeah. I'd like that."

"Good." She pulled her weapons from her locker. "Then let's go meet Captain Anderson and get the hell off this space station."

He gave her a nod and turned away to retrieve his gear.

* * *


	3. Interlude I: Hide and Seek

**Author's Note:**   
1)Many thanks to my beta for this part, Rian Sage! You're awesome!  
2)This chapter does include some **game spoilers**, again. Hope you enjoy, and sorry it took so long to post!

* * *

**Interlude  
**"**Hide and Seek"  
**_Horse Head Nebulae, en route to Pangea Expanse._

As the _Normandy_ fell back into subspace in the Horse Head Nebulae, Joker swiftly began the preparations for their second jump at the next relay. Only after Kaidan had checked and double-checked the rear scanners' negative readings did he finally allow himself to breathe. He leaned back in the copilot's seat, exhaling in relief as he glanced over to where Commander Shepard stood behind Joker. She gripped the back of the man's seat, her white knuckles the only indication of any doubts she might have had about their escape from the Citadel.

"Aw, damnit," Joker exclaimed as he, too, checked the rear sensors. "No sign of pursuit? I was hoping the Citadel would send _someone_ after us. I was looking forward to putting the _Normandy_ through her paces. Figured I'd get to see what this ship can really do."

Kaidan eyed the other man skeptically, though he didn't really doubt that Joker and the _Normandy_ could have outrun or outdone anything the Council might have thrown at them. Still, the Lieutenant was glad their highly illegal departure from the Citadel had been easy; the last thing the crew needed right now was more stress.

"Saren's still out there," Shepard said, and then she looked down to the pilot with a knowing gleam in her eye. "Maybe we'll get a chance to play hide and seek with Sovereign."

Joker made a face at the statement and then shook his head. "You know, it doesn't seem like much fun when _you_ say it, Commander."

Shepard smiled at his comment. "Let me know when we're ready to jump again, will you? And don't be hot-rodding in the meantime… I want to make it to the next relay in one piece."

"Sure thing. But you should know I only hot-rod when you're stuck topside in the Mako."

"That's a relief," Shepard replied, not missing a beat. "In that case I will leave the flying to you two. I'm going for some sleep – radio me if anything interesting happens."

"Will do. Sweet dreams, Commander."

"Thanks, Joker." As Shepard turned and left the cockpit, the pilot twisted in his seat to look after her. Kaidan watched the man from the corner of his eye and felt a surge of jealously burn through his chest. He fought it down with difficulty, disturbed by its presence. _What the hell is wrong with you, Alenko?_

The Lieutenant focused back on his controls, chalking up his sense of unbalance to all that had happened in the last four hours. _Has it only been four hours? _It seemed like a lifetime had passed since he and Shepard had almost kissed at her locker… He swallowed hard, feeling his heartbeat quicken even at the thought. He tossed a surreptitious glance at Joker, but the man was intent on flying, setting their course to align the _Normandy_ with the next relay. Unfortunately, there were still several hours of subspace travel between systems before they would reach it. Several hours Kaidan _wanted_ to spend talking with Shepard… they had never finished their previous conversation, after all.

But he resisted the urge to follow her from the cockpit. Sure, Joker didn't really _need _his help for the next few hours, but a quick exit so soon after the Commander would look highly suspicious, even if the pilot _hadn't_ seen their exchange at Shepard's locker. Kaidan glanced to the monitors that displayed the camera feeds and winced as he noticed Joker would have had a perfect view of the whole damn thing. Unless the man had been sleeping at the helm, he couldn't have missed it. _Great_, Kaidan scowled at himself. _Just great. You should have known better than to do something like that out in the open. How could you have been so stupid?_

He tried to push all such embarrassing thoughts from his mind and concentrate on the business of flying. But it was hard. Joker had already set their coordinates; until they got closer to the next relay, there really wasn't much for him to do besides check and recheck everything over and over again.

"Yes, Lieutenant," Joker said suddenly, startling Kaidan.

"I'm sorry?"

Joker looked sideways at his copilot. "Yes, I saw you and Shepard kiss."

Kaidan blinked, feeling as if the whole bridge had just fallen away beneath him. "What?" he managed to choke out, and his whole body burned in humiliation. "I never -"

"No reason to sit there fidgeting over it," Joker continued, as if Kaidan had never even spoken. "And no, I wasn't spying on you. I was looking for Shepard's location so I could key the intercom."

"But I –"

"It's no big deal, Lieutenant," the pilot said, shrugging off Kaidan's stammered defense. "I've known you and the Commander were sweet on each other for awhile now. It's only natural you two would want –"

"How did you know?" Kaidan burst out, feeling as if he were drowning in the magnitude of this sudden revelation.

Joker shot him an incredulous look from under the brim of his cap. "Are you serious? _Everyone_ knows, Alenko. It's kinda hard to miss those doe eyes the Commander always throws at you. She doesn't look at anyone else that way; that's for sure. And you two always seem to be in the same vicinity while you're aboard the _Normandy_. That can only be counted as coincidence so many times, Lieutenant."

Kaidan's mouth hung open. He didn't even know what to say. So many thoughts ran through his head all at once that he couldn't make sense out of any of them.

"Don't worry, Alenko," Joker said nonchalantly, the tiniest hint of amusement in his voice. "Nobody's going to report you. The crew adores Shepard – I mean, we all just helped her steal this ship, didn't we?" He shook his head, as if unable to believe it himself. "They trust her," his gaze flicked over to Kaidan briefly, "and you. They know the two of you won't do anything… stupid."

"Everyone?" the Lieutenant whispered, still reeling.

Joker nodded. "Yes. Everyone on this ship. Everyone knows."

Kaidan leaned over his console, feeling like he might be sick.

There was a moment of silence, and then, "Soooo… are you going to go after her?"

Kaidan squinted across at the other man. "What?"

Joker shrugged. "Just thought that's what you wanted to do. That's what _I'd_ do, if I were you. There's nothing else for you to do here, anyway. Not until we reach the next relay. Which won't be for another…," he checked the time display on his controls, "nine hours and thirty-four minutes. Plenty of time." He drew in a quiet breath. "Time you may not have later. Best to take advantage of this while you have the chance."

Alenko rubbed his hands vigorously over his face, hoping he could wake himself up. But he wasn't dreaming. _Everyone knows. Wow._ The strange thing was, now that he knew, he couldn't decide how he felt about it. On one hand, it was a relief. At least he had a handle on how the crew viewed his relationship with Shepard, and knew he wasn't going to be turned in for fraternization. But on the other hand, it made him uncomfortable. The bottom line was that he and Shepard, no matter how they looked at it, were breaking the rules… intentionally. Not the best example for a commanding officer to set for her subordinates. Not the best thing for a starship crew to condone, either.

Even if they made it through this mission alive and managed to stop Saren and somehow defeat the Reapers… where would they go from there? Kaidan's mind couldn't even grasp that possibility. Truthfully, he didn't want to think that far ahead. There was no guarantee either of them – or any of the _Normandy_ crew – would live to see the end of this hidden war. It was best just to take things one day at a time…

"_Plenty of time. Time you may not have later."_

_Joker's right. I should go talk to her while I have the chance. I should at least tell her about the crew. That'll be pleasant. _He nodded to no-one in particular and stood from his chair. "Call me when we're on approach to the next relay," he said to the pilot.

Joker nodded. "I know the drill, Lieutenant."

Kaidan hesitated for a second longer, but Joker concentrated on flying and ignored him. He took the hint and turned to leave.

"Alenko," the pilot said suddenly, and the tone of his voice made Kaidan stop. It was a far cry from the man's signature sarcastic drawl. "Just… just don't take her for granted, okay?"

The Lieutenant wasn't sure how to take that statement; he felt the remnants of jealousy stirring in his chest again. He looked down to Joker curiously, but the other man kept his eyes firmly on his console. The pilot seemed to sense Kaidan's suspicion, however, and elaborated, "All I'm saying is… things happen quick out here. And it's hard enough to lose a friend."

The Lieutenant's mind flashed back to Virmire and an acute stab of guilt shot through him. He clenched his jaw against it, knowing then what Joker meant. Losing Ashley had been a huge emotional blow, but if something were to happen to _Shepard_… if for some unthinkable reason they had to leave her behind… would he be able to handle it? Could he continue the mission without her? He felt sure the Commander would keep her priorities in order if it came down to a choice between him or the mission, but could _he_? He had committed to this relationship with Shepard, but was he prepared for the possibility of losing her? Was he prepared for the possibility of watching her die in some upcoming battle? Panic gripped him at the thought and Kaidan leaned on the copilot's chair for support while he fought to regain control of himself. _No. God, no, I can't lose her… I can't._

"…_don't take her for granted…"_

_I haven't. I won't. If we make it out of this alive…_ He couldn't finish the thought. He just couldn't. _One day at a time. And we're both still alive today._ He straightened his shoulders and pushed away from the chair. "Call me if you need me," he murmured to the pilot.

Joker nodded absently. "Good luck, Lieutenant." His voice was strangely subdued. But Kaidan hardly heard; he was already striding quickly from the cockpit, aiming straight for Shepard's quarters.

* * *

Elizabeth collapsed heavily onto her bed, utterly exhausted. She didn't even bother to take her boots off. The last fifty-one hours had been an insane whirlwind of events, and the emotional drain of Virmire had not yet worn off, either. She wanted nothing more at the moment than to sleep all the way to Ilos. She needed to be at full strength when they finally caught up with Saren – and full strength meant plenty of rest. She had just closed her eyes when someone knocked on her door.

The groan escaped Elizabeth before she could stop it. "What do you want?" she called out grumpily, not caring at the moment if she hurt anyone's feelings. All she'd asked for was a few hours of being undisturbed – apparently such a thing was impossible aboard this ship. _Or maybe just impossible during this mission._

"Commander," a familiar voice replied sheepishly through the door. "Could I… could I talk to you for a second?"

Despite her weariness, a smile crossed Elizabeth's lips._ Kaidan. Why can't I ever say no to you?_ She heaved a sigh and sat up on the bed; the motion made the room spin. _I am far too tired to have any sort of conversation_, she thought, but aloud heard herself say, "Sure. Come on in."

The door hissed open quietly and the Lieutenant stepped through as if he had urgent business. But then he abruptly halted, looking around her quarters uncertainly while the door shut again behind him. She had turned off all the lights; even closed down her computer station on her desk. The only illumination now came from the soft blue glow of the doorway, in which Kaidan's confused expression was still clearly visible. Elizabeth smiled knowingly. "I was going to take a nap," she said. "Remember? I haven't slept in fifty-some hours. Come to think of it… neither have you."

The Lieutenant's confusion turned to guilt. He rubbed the back of his neck uneasily, his dark eyes wandering around the room. "I'm sorry, Commander," he stammered. "I… I actually forgot…" He shook his head. "Maybe the exhaustion's getting to me, too." His eyes finally found her, liquid pools of black in the dim lighting, and Elizabeth felt her pulse quicken. "It can wait," he said. "You get your rest; I'll talk to you when you wake up." Kaidan turned and made his way back toward the door.

The sight of his silhouette moving through the dark reminded Elizabeth of what had happened next to her locker just hours before. When they had almost kissed… what she had felt at that moment… "Kaidan?"

He turned at his name.

"It's okay," she said. "Stay and talk."

He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Of course."

The Lieutenant needed no more convincing; he gave a nod and started back in her direction, but then stopped, glancing toward the light controls. "Do you want the lights back on?"

Shepard frowned at the question. Certainly the darkness of the room lent much to the feelings that had begun coursing through her since Kaidan's unexpected arrival… and to the temptation of acting on those feelings. The proper response of a commanding officer would be to say 'yes', and then to move the following conversation out into a more public area. But she didn't want to do either of those things, and she wasn't sure if it was because she was just so exhausted, or if it was because she liked the way the Lieutenant looked outlined in the shadows. Or maybe it was just because the darkness allowed her mind to wander, to be distracted at last with pleasant thoughts, instead of bogged down with protocols and assignments, guilt and responsibility, and the possible impending doom of the entire galaxy.

"Commander?"

Kaidan's voice drew Elizabeth back from her brooding. "No," she said finally, slowly. "Leave them off. It's relaxing."

"Okay." He sounded unsure of her decision, but didn't argue it. Instead he walked to the end of the bed and looked at her for a second as if at a loss, then blurted, "The crew knows, Shepard."

She blinked, not following. "The crew knows what?"

Kaidan ran a hand through his hair. "About… _us_. About our…" he trailed off, struggling to find the right word. Elizabeth understood his trouble. There was definitely something between them, but could it really be called a relationship if they couldn't take it outside the _Normandy_? If any day now one of them might be forced to leave the other behind and not look back?

A painful emotion shot through the Commander at such grim thoughts and her gaze dropped to her boots. "I see," she said quietly, saving Kaidan the potential embarrassment of choosing the wrong descriptor and saving herself from having to name it, either. She sighed, massaging her temples with her fingertips. _This makes things more complicated. __And I thought I was being so careful._ "How?" It was the only thing she could think of to say at the moment.

"I don't know," Kaidan answered honestly, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. "Joker's the one who told me. Apparently it was… obvious."

"Obvious?" Elizabeth looked up to him with a raised brow.

"Yeah. Um… I guess we always happened to be in the same areas together. And Joker saw us earlier when we… well, by your locker. I guess that just confirmed everything."

Elizabeth was silent for a long moment.

"Shepard," Kaidan began quietly, "if you think we should stop –"

"What does the crew think?" Elizabeth asked, cutting him off.

The Lieutenant paused briefly, then shrugged. "They trust us. They trust _you_. No one wants to report us."

"You're sure?"

Kaidan gave another firm nod. "Yes. At least for now." A strange expression crossed his face and Shepard could almost see his thoughts. He was trying to figure out how to handle this situation. The crew knew about the two of them, and now his professional side warred violently with his personal side. She knew because the same was happening to her. But Kaidan wouldn't have to make the decision. Not only because of his cautious nature, but because _she_ was the ranking officer. It was her responsibility. Her duty to make sure the rules were followed. Her duty to bring everyone home safe.

_They trust me… they trust us._ So far that trust had not been misplaced. But if she continued down this path with Lieutenant Alenko, did she deserve such trust? Could she guarantee she wouldn't betray that trust at some point in the future? She remembered Virmire and winced, knowing if she ever made a decision because of her feelings for Kaidan that resulted in other people's deaths, she would never forgive herself. Never. And yet she couldn't bear the thought of losing _him_, either. Talking with him, being with him, and feeling what she felt for him were like bright stars in the vast darkness of space. They were what kept her going when all she wanted to do was quit, what renewed her courage when the odds were impossible, what gave her the strength to face the enormity of their current mission with at least some shred of hope.

She couldn't lose Kaidan now, not in any capacity. And yet the morale and efficiency of the crew had to be considered as well. Elizabeth stood from the bed, taking a deep breath. "Kaidan," she said evenly, "I'm going to need some time to figure all this out."

He swallowed visibly, but nodded. "I understand."

"That doesn't mean I want us to ignore each other in the meantime," Shepard added, remembering all too well how reclusive the Lieutenant had gotten after they left Virmire. "I just have to figure out how to handle this, and take stock of the crew's feelings on the subject. After that I'll – _we'll_ – figure out where to go from there."

"Yes ma'am."

"You know you don't need to call me that. At least not in here."

Kaidan's gaze shifted away. "I think it's probably better I stay in the habit."

Shepard sighed. The man just didn't know how to walk the middle of the road. _But that's probably a good thing_, she thought. _Wasn't I worried about him doing something rash? And now who's the one holding on to selfish fantasies?_ "You're probably right," she admitted at last, wandering over to her desk and staring absently at the dark computer display. "I'm sorry, Kaidan," she whispered, unable to look at him. "But we can't figure out what we are to each other without first taking this new information into account."

"I know," he said softly.

His easy acknowledgement of their situation brought a lump to her throat. She wished she could tell him how much she truly appreciated his understanding – the way he always seemed to already know everything she just couldn't find the words to say.

"I'll be at my post," Kaidan spoke up into the stretching silence. "If you need me."

Elizabeth nodded mutely, then heard the Lieutenant's retreating footsteps and the whoosh of the door as it opened. As soon as it had shut again she sank down into her desk chair and put her head in her hands, squeezing her eyes shut and knowing she hadn't felt so lost in the whole of her military career.

* * *


	4. Interlude II: Blurred Boundaries

**Author's Note:** Sorry this one took so long, I wanted to update my severely neglected LOTR fic before I put this chapter up. But here it is finally! Many thanks to my beta crackferret for all her help on this one. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

**Interlude II  
**"**Blurred Boundaries"  
**_Argos Rho, en route to Hydra system._

"Lieutenant? Lieutenant Alenko, you awake?"

Kaidan jolted back to consciousness, sitting straight up in his chair and looking around the mess groggily. "Huh? What?"

"It's Joker," came the voice again, and it took Kaidan a moment to realize the pilot was speaking through the intercom. "We're on approach to the next relay, ETA three minutes. You wanna come up here and help or would you prefer your beauty sleep at the mess table?"

The lieutenant blinked hard and rubbed his hands over his face, attempting to chase away his disorientation. He squinted at the nearest clock and frowned at the time. His shift had ended an hour ago, but he'd stayed in the mess in hopes of catching Shepard the next time she emerged from her room. Apparently he'd fallen asleep instead. Alenko's gaze drifted automatically toward Shepard's door. _She never came out? Or she came out and had nothing to say to me? _He ignored the inkling of dread that thought caused and stood from his seat. "I'm coming," he said to Joker, and with a last long look at Shepard's quarters, made his way slowly toward the stairs.

"Everything okay?" the pilot asked as Kaidan stepped into the cockpit and took his seat.

"What do you mean?"

Joker shrugged. "I dunno. I just didn't expect to find you sitting in the mess. At least not sitting in the mess _alone_."

Kaidan didn't really want to talk about it. Besides, Shepard had made it clear several times she didn't like gossip aboard her ship. It would be better to say nothing until he knew what was really going on himself. "Did you tell the Commander we're coming up on the next relay?" he asked instead.

Joker peered at the lieutenant for a second, but then sighed and keyed the intercom for Shepard's quarters. "Bridge to Commander Shepard," he said, and Kaidan thought he heard a note of irritation in the other man's voice.

"Go ahead, Joker," she answered finally. She sounded so tired… another pang of guilt shot through Kaidan's chest. _I should have just let her sleep. _But once she had invited him to stay, he'd found it impossible to leave. The sight of her sitting there in the dark, her features softly lit by the doorway's illumination… it was all he could do to refrain from picking up where they'd left off at her locker and focus instead on the problem at hand.

"Just letting you know we're on approach to the Strenuus system's relay," Joker continued. "ETA one and half minutes."

"Proceed on the pre-planned course," Shepard said. "And keep me updated."

"You're not coming to watch the fireworks?" Joker was disappointed. He welcomed any chance to show off his piloting skills. Especially when it came to the accuracy of his mass effect jumps.

"Sorry, Joker. Maybe next time. Shepard out."

The intercom clicked off into silence. Kaidan concentrated on readying the _Normandy_'s systems for the jump while Joker brought the ship around on approach. The rings of the relay ahead began to accelerate as they neared, going faster and faster, until the mass effect field enveloped them. A bright flash of light burst through the cockpit, and then the Argos Rho cluster stretched before them.

Joker checked the navigation readings and nodded in satisfaction. "Right on target. As expected."

Kaidan made no reply, setting a course for the Hydra system.

But the pilot couldn't take the quiet for long. "Okay seriously, Alenko. What the hell happened?"

The lieutenant glanced over to the other man. "Nothing happened."

Joker rolled his eyes, his hands still moving over the _Normandy_'s controls even as he spoke. "Yeah. Right. The Commander doesn't come up to watch the jump – she _always _comes up to watch the jumps. She didn't sound like her usual self, either. To tell you the truth, neither of you do. Sorry, Lieutenant, but _something_ happened in the past nine hours… and you might as well tell me because I'll find out anyway."

"How?" Kaidan demanded churlishly. "By spying on us again?"

"You see?" Joker asked, shaking his head. "Something definitely happened, because you're being an ass."

Alenko looked back to the bulkhead in front of him, knowing the pilot was right. _This is why we never should have entertained our infatuation._ _And now it's too late to turn back. No matter what Shepard decides, I'll still feel the same for her. _"I'm sorry," he said aloud. "I didn't mean that."

"There's no observation cameras in the Commander's quarters, anyway," Joker muttered, and Kaidan knew the off-hand comment was the pilot's way of showing he'd taken no real offense.

An awkward silence fell over them anyway and the lieutenant shifted in his chair, wanting to smooth things over but not really sure how.

Luckily for him, Joker spoke first. "You mind taking over for a bit?"

Kaidan frowned at the question, looking over to see the pilot reaching for his crutches. "Where are you going?"

"You say it like I'm not allowed to leave the cockpit."

"No… I meant… it's just – well, you usually don't."

Joker shrugged. "Not usually a reason to."

"But now there's a reason?"

"Just cuz I'm a cripple doesn't mean I like to spend all day in a chair, Alenko." The pilot leveraged himself out of his seat and put the crutches under his arms. "I'll be back in an hour." Before Kaidan could utter another word of protest the man turned and hobbled off down the corridor.

The lieutenant turned back to the view-screen and sighed, settling himself in for yet another hour of waiting. He glanced to the camera monitors and noted the one angled the most toward Shepard's door – only to see it open and the commander step out. A strangled cry of surprise and frustration escaped Kaidan as he watched her move toward the very mess table he had vacated just moments before. Had she known he was just there? Was she trying to find him? Or had she waited for him to leave on purpose? Was she trying to avoid him?

The questions burned through Kaidan's mind and he rose halfway to his feet before he remembered Joker had left. The lieutenant reluctantly resumed his seat, swearing under his breath. The _Normandy_ might have been an extremely advanced warship, but protocol still required a sufficiently trained officer be present at the console at all times in order to keep an eye on vital systems… not to mention provide evasive maneuvers should anything unexpected show up from the black of space. As long as Joker remained absent, Kaidan couldn't go anywhere. Unless of course Navigator Pressly happened to show up, and that was unlikely. Kaidan briefly considered calling the man up to the cockpit, but rejected the idea just as quickly.

_No, there's no reason to do anything rash_, the lieutenant told himself, trying hard to quell the restlessness rising in his chest. _When she makes her decision she'll find me. I just have to be patient and wait. Give her time._ He swallowed hard and forced his gaze away from the mess hall monitors. He checked the navigation readouts and his heart beat harder at the realization every passing minute brought them closer and closer to Ilos… closer and closer to Saren and Sovereign… closer and closer to an enemy more dangerous than any of them had imagined. If Shepard didn't tell him _something_ by the time they reached the Mu relay, he would have to say something himself. He couldn't watch her walk away into that kind of peril without telling her exactly what he felt for her. If anything happened to her on Ilos – or to him – then at least he wanted the peace of knowing he'd said everything he needed to say.

Kaidan sighed heavily, his eyes involuntarily wandering over to the camera monitors again. He did a double-take as he noticed Joker approaching the table Shepard now occupied and leaned forward in his chair, hissing another string of curse words through his teeth.

On impulse he reached for the button that would activate the mess intercom - at least that way he could find out what they were talking about – but at the last second he hesitated. _You're_ _doing it again, Alenko. Stop it. There's no reason for you to be jealous. You shouldn't have even let yourself fall this hard for her, anyway. And you have no right to listen to their conversation. For damn sure you wouldn't want anyone eavesdropping on _your _conversations with Shepard. _But that thought just made him more tempted to hit the button.

_No. I'm not going to do it. Why make this any more painful than it already is_? Kaidan closed his eyes, turning away from the screens resolutely. _Just fly the damn ship._ He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and opened his eyes to focus on the flight controls. Somehow the lieutenant managed not to look at the camera feeds for the rest of the very, very long hour.

* * *

"Is the food really that bad?"

Elizabeth startled, dropping her fork into her plate – though she hadn't been eating the food on it anyway, and looked up to see Joker hobbling toward her on his crutches. "Joker," she blurted, failing to conceal her surprise at seeing him outside the cockpit. "What – I mean, it's nice to see you down here for once."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," the man said good-naturedly, maneuvering over to the rations cabinet and making himself a plate. "I don't think the crew even recognizes me unless I'm in the pilot's chair. But last I checked I'm still human, so I still gotta eat."

"You eat in the mess?" Elizabeth asked skeptically. "Because I've never seen you here before, and I pass by here a lot."

Joker looked slightly sheepish as he brought his food over to the table. "Er, well… I usually take my tray back with me, or have someone bring it to me. It's kinda tricky carrying a plate of food while using crutches, after all." He nodded toward the chair across from her. "Mind if I join you?"

Shepard shook her head. "Of course not. But why the special occasion?"

The pilot eased himself into the seat and propped his crutches against the edge of the table, then looked at her with raised eyebrows. "What, you mean my staying here to eat?"

"Yeah."

Joker shrugged. "I got Alenko watching the _Normandy_ for me. And… well, I was kinda hoping we could talk."

It was Elizabeth's turn to raise her eyebrows. "Talk? About what? I already told you I'm not putting the _Normandy_ through those crazy maneuvers –"

"No, no," Joker interrupted, waving her words away. "It's not about the ship this time."

"Wow. Really?" She hardly believed it. "All right then, let's hear it."

"The lieutenant told you about the crew knowing, didn't he?"

The question took Elizabeth completely off-guard and she shifted in her chair, attempting to hide the sudden blush that bloomed across her face. _It can't be any more obvious now_, she thought sourly. Sure enough, the pilot picked up on her reaction and didn't even wait for a verbal confirmation.

"Of course he did." Joker rolled his eyes and picked up his fork, stabbing at his dinner. "You know I never really meant for him to tell you." His brown-eyed gaze came up to her again abruptly, as if suddenly afraid of how she might interpret that statement. "I mean… look, if any of us had a problem with you and the lieutenant _someone_ would have said _something_ by now."

Elizabeth's blush was growing hotter and she wished it would go away. _Well, I wanted to know the crew's real feelings_, she tried to tell herself, and yet the reality of such a thing proved to be far more awkward than she'd first imagined. "It's probably better that I know," she finally said quietly.

Joker grunted. "No it's not." Shepard stared at him, and he added uncertainly, "Er… permission to speak freely, Commander?"

"Since when have you ever asked permission to speak freely?"

The pilot gave a nod. "True. But you had that look on your face for a second there."

Now Elizabeth frowned. "What look?"

"The one that says you're about to kick somebody's ass. I feel I should warn you though – with my bum legs I wouldn't be much of a challenge."

She had to suppress the smile. "Joker, I wouldn't have you any other way."

"Good." He seemed to relax again. "In that case… it's _not_ better that you know about the crew, because both you and Alenko like to walk the straight and narrow to the extreme. Your career records are spotless, exemplary. You two don't make mistakes. You follow the rules to the letter. The mission – whatever it is – is always first and foremost. You put your own needs last in every situation. Why do you think you're the first human Spectre, Shepard? Because you're literally an example of humanity at its most selfless and perfect. And Lieutenant Alenko? If he hadn't been so shy about using his biotic powers early in his career – and maybe if he wasn't plagued by migraines – he probably would've made it on the Council's list of potential Spectres as well."

Elizabeth sat back in her chair, considering Joker's words. But she still wasn't quite sure where he was going with this. "Yes, probably," she agreed at last. "But what's your point?"

"My point is," the man continued carefully, "the way you two are, the minute you suspect you might have crossed a line you go into 'super-goody-two-shoes' mode or something and then won't even look at each other for days."

Elizabeth's frown deepened, her mind flashing back to the aftermath of Virmire and even to the course of the last few hours. _Have I been avoiding Kaidan?_ Despite telling the lieutenant she didn't want them to ignore each other, she _had _been awfully careful not to run into him lately. At least, not until she had made some kind of decision about how they should go about their… relationship. _How the hell does Joker know all this?_ she wondered, but then remembered the observation cameras. _Maybe he does spy on us after all…_

Shepard roused herself from her thoughts and straightened her posture, clasping her hands together neatly on the table in front of her. "Joker," she began, "the mission we're on requires me to –"

"See, you're doing it again!" the pilot interrupted, throwing up his hands. "Always about the mission! Commander, don't you ever want anything for yourself?"

Elizabeth blinked at his question and actually found herself thinking about it. The truth was, for most of her life the answer would have been 'no'. Ever since that night on Mindoir when the slavers had wiped out everything she cared about in mere hours, she'd had no desire to want anything for herself again – for fear that it, too, no matter what it was, might someday be yanked away from her. The two years leading up to her eighteenth birthday were consumed by her preparations to join the Alliance military. And her thirteen years of service had simply been about work, training, missions, and assignments. Nothing more. She did her job, she did it well, and she took care of her people.

She was often praised for her skill and professionalism, and had climbed the ranks quickly. But none of it had been anything she'd planned or expected. She never actually took the time to think about what might lie ahead in her future, or what she really wanted from life. Of course there were certain values and ideas that were important to her, and she lived according to those beliefs. She still allowed people who had served under her in the past to become close to her – within regulations - and she felt connected to many of them as a fellow soldier and friend. It pained her deeply to see any of them killed in action, but always there was the underlying voice of reason that helped quell her grief: _They died doing their duty. They did not die in vain. I did everything I possibly could to protect them._ There were only two exceptions to this in Elizabeth Shepard's whole military career. The incident on Akuze, in which she had been personally responsible for the lives of fifty marines who died needlessly despite her best efforts, and…

_Kaidan Alenko. Who makes me think about my future, my safety, my wants. Who makes me selfish._

Elizabeth sighed heavily, not sure how to answer Joker's query. The issue was a private matter she'd struggled with since the initial realization of how much the lieutenant really meant to her on Virmire, and she didn't feel ready to share it yet.

Joker sensed her hesitation and pushed his plate of food away. "Commander," he said, glancing around the mess to be sure it was empty before continuing, "there's, uh… there's something I think I should tell you…"

The way he said it worried her. This was the first time she'd gotten a chance to really talk to Joker and already he'd shocked her into silence more than once. She hardly dared guess what might come next. "Yes?" Elizabeth hoped the trepidation hanging in her stomach had not made it into her voice.

Joker took off his cap and ran his hands through his hair. He drew a deep breath, his eyes dropping to the table. "I wasn't going to say anything. But under the circumstances, well…" He shook his head, clearing his throat. "Chief Williams and I... we… we, uh… well let's just say we were becoming more than just friends."

Shepard stiffened at the admission, realizing it explained much of Joker's behavior since Virmire and ashamed of the fact she had not recognized such a thing for what it was before now. Then came the horrible thought that her own fraternization with Lieutenant Alenko had been what encouraged Ashley and Joker to begin blurring regulation boundaries in the first place.

_And now Ashley is dead._ Elizabeth felt her throat tighten. "Jeff," she said quietly, using the pilot's real name for the first time since meeting him. But he interrupted before she could go on.

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty," he blurted. "I know what happened on Virmire and I know how you operate. Ashley knew what she was doing… what she was getting into. I don't blame you for anything. There was nothing you could have done for Ashley, Commander. And there's nothing you can do for me, either. But we're getting closer to Ilos, closer to Saren… closer to the end of this fight, I guess is what I'm trying to say. At least that's how it feels. And with the way you and Alenko are… I just don't want either of you to end up like me." The man lifted his eyes to meet hers, and in their depths Shepard saw the same kind of anguish that had gripped her on Virmire when she'd first heard Kaidan's panicked transmission.

"Commander, I never told Ashley how much she meant to me," he choked out. "And I've regretted that every minute since we left Virmire. I always knew there was a chance one or some of the team might not return every time you took them off the _Normandy_… but I never thought… I guess I just took her for granted. And now she's gone."

This was one of the very rare occasions when Elizabeth Shepard had no idea what to do. Her heart went out to Joker and she wanted to comfort him somehow – God knew she identified with him. The thought of losing Kaidan in such a way roused a frightening level of desperation within her. And yet Joker had hidden his grief well… she wondered if anyone else knew about his and Ashley's relationship.

"I'm so sorry, Jeff." She had no idea what else to say. No idea how else to react. Her mind still struggled to accept this had all happened right under her nose without her even noticing.

"I know you and Alenko are sticklers for following the regs," Joker said quietly, "but this is no ordinary mission we're on, Commander. This is no ordinary crew. And anyway, speaking from experience, I'd take a court-martial over what I'm feeling any day." He ran his hands over his face and sighed heavily, then shoved his cap back on his head. "There, I said it. That's my two cents. And you know, I'm not even hungry." He picked up his crutches from where they leaned against the table and stood. "I'd better get back to the bridge. Thanks for the talk, Commander."

Elizabeth opened her mouth, but Joker had already turned his back and began hobbling his way toward the stairs. She stared after him, almost calling him back to the table. She wanted to talk to him more about Ashley… more about their relationship, more about how he was holding up. But another part of her knew he still needed space, and time… and that he'd come to talk to her mostly for her benefit – not his own.

She watched the man start up the stairs on his crutches and shook her head, developing a whole new appreciation for the strength of his character. She made a mental note to pull him aside later on and find out what was really going on inside his head.

But for now, she needed to figure out what the hell was going on inside her own. She needed to think. Elizabeth looked back down her plate of food and sighed. _I guess I'm not really hungry, either._ She picked up the two abandoned dishes and dumped the edible remains, shoved the empty plates into the automatic washer, and went back to the solitude of her quarters.

* * *


	5. Part Three: Presrop: Going Forward

**Author's Note:** Very many thanks to my two awesome betas: Rian Sage for taking the time to still help me out even though she was totally swamped and had a million better, other things to do; and crackferret for not being afraid to take a weedwhacker to this chapter and suggest I whip it into novel-like-perfection status. Though editing this chapter proved a bit daunting, I needed the practice anyway, hee. So here it is at last, hope you enjoy! THANKS to all the readers who've taken the time to leave feedback... and to read, of course!!

* * *

**Part Three: Presrop  
**"**Going Forward"  
**_Argos Rho, en route to Hydra system._

His hour of watching the _Normandy_ had come and gone. Joker had returned to the cockpit as promised, and Kaidan thought it best to return to his own post, deciding to go ahead and take on a double-shift. Not like he'd be able to concentrate on anything else, anyway.

They were now halfway to the jump point that would take them to the Hydra system, and he was still waiting. Waiting for Shepard to give him an answer. She had emerged from her quarters periodically in the past eight hours; it was all he could do to keep from following her. But somehow he had managed to stay put and keep his mouth shut, despite everything that begged to be blurted every time she passed by, despite the anticipation and curiosity that burned in his chest every time he watched her disappear from his line of sight. She had re-entered her quarters some three hours ago and had not yet re-emerged.

And so he kept waiting.

Exhaustion fogged his vision and hunger made him dizzy, but he didn't dare leave for food or rest. He'd told Shepard he would be at his post, and that's where he would be. He would stay there for as long as it took.

Kaidan squinted hard at the readouts that scrolled across his monitor but for the life of him could not make sense of the words. The _Normandy_'s core could have been overheating and he wouldn't have known it because he'd had forty minutes of sleep in two and half days.

The Lieutenant rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands and leaned back against the wall as a particularly vicious wave of lightheadedness washed over him. _Who are you kidding, Alenko_? _You're no good to anyone like this_. _You have to sleep. _Shepard would understand… she was probably sleeping herself, anyway. His gaze wandered to her door; picturing what she would look like sleeping under the peaceful blue glow of the doorway…

Kaidan turned away from her quarters, blocking out the mental image before his thoughts could run away with him. It was now the end of his second shift, he realized, so he finally gave up and headed unsteadily toward the sleeping pods. _Just get some sleep_, he told himself. _A_ _few hours of sleep and things will be so much clearer._

"Lieutenant?"

Her voice jolted him awake as well as any of Dr. Chakwas' stimulants. He spun around too fast and stumbled, catching himself on the wall. All those hours of waiting and now he hadn't even heard her door open.

Shepard frowned at him despite the fact she looked as utterly spent as he felt, and crossed her arms. "Lieutenant, have you slept?"

He managed a sheepish smile despite the sudden ruthless churning of his empty stomach. "Have you?"

Her admonishing green stare softened. "Well… no."

"That's what I thought."

She granted him a weary smile. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

A thrill of dread and hope raced through Kaidan as he nodded. "Sure."

Shepard motioned for him to follow her back into her quarters and the door shut behind them. The lieutenant tried hard to keep his emotions from showing on his face as he watched his commanding officer stride across the room. She reached her desk and faced him, leaning back against its top, and sighed.

The following silence deafened him, but he resisted the urge to break it. _This is Shepard's call_, he reminded himself for the hundredth time since he'd left her room all those hours ago. _Whatever she decides, I'll accept. _

At least until this mission was over with…

"I don't want to pretend, Kaidan," Shepard said at last, bringing the lieutenant's eyes back to her abruptly. She was looking at him now with that steady, no-nonsense gaze that meant she was being completely open and honest with him. "It's against my nature, even if what we're doing is against regulations."

The lieutenant shifted on his feet at the mention of their transgression. It still made him uncomfortable to think about their relationship that way, even if the feelings now roiling inside him told him he wanted to continue it no matter what it was labeled; no matter the consequences.

"Over the past several hours I've had lengthy discussions with many of the crew," Shepard continued, beginning to pace. She clasped her hands behind her back and Kaidan was reminded of the many mission briefings she had given in the same manner. "Their support and loyalty to both of us is astonishing. But while Saren is still at large, our primary concern must be for the success of the mission and the maintenance of healthy morale among the rest of the crew."

Kaidan swallowed hard. "Yes, of course."

"However, at times like these - in-between systems, during our downtime, when we're not in a situation that could potentially turn dangerous - I see no reason why we should attempt to hide our feelings for each other… as long as they do not lead to poor mission decisions or favoritism." The commander turned to face him, squaring her shoulders. "I have ordered key members of the crew to inform me at once if such a slip of judgment occurs, and then to report my illicit behavior to Admiral Hackett immediately."

Kaidan lifted his eyebrows. _S_omewhere in the back of his mind he realized that if it ever came to that, he'd be accused of fraternization as well. It was a two-way relationship, after all. _She's right. We can't pretend, we can't go back, and we have to be careful. _I_ have to be careful…_

"We are on a very serious mission, Kaidan," Shepard said quietly, her exhaustion finally leaking through her front of strength. "The fate of the entire galaxy may very well rest on the shoulders of the _Normandy_ crew." She met his gaze and held it. "But I won't lie to you… despite the gravity of our situation – perhaps _because _of it – I need you, Kaidan. I need _us_. And I can't pretend otherwise even if I wanted to." Her eyes dropped to the floor briefly, then came back to his face. She licked her lips and shrugged. "So," she whispered, "that's all I have to say. You?"

Kaidan snapped out of his stare; the relief coursing through him made him want to walk straight up to her and wrap her in his arms. And yet he hesitated. Shepard had decided not to put off their relationship, but he was still a bit fuzzy on the true boundaries of it. So he remained where he was and offered a smile instead. "I, uh… I don't think I have anything else to add, Commander."

She returned his smile, her business-like stance finally relaxing. "Well then, Lieutenant… we should probably both get some sleep. There's another ten hours before we reach the mass relay in the Hydra system… however, Doctor Chakwas has been telling me repeatedly I should get at least eighteen to feel fully rested." The commander's smile grew. "Which means that you also need eighteen hours rest, Lieutenant. So… why don't we just plan to meet in the mess eighteen hours from now? We'll still have some time before reaching Ilos - we can talk more then. I'll tell Joker he'll have to handle the Hydra relay himself. He's more than capable."

"Yes, ma'am." But he didn't want to leave yet. He wanted to keep talking to her, to hear her tell him again how much she needed him. Commander Shepard - the N7 commando, the first human Spectre, the now-famous heroine of the Alliance - needed _him_…

"Get some sleep, Kaidan. I'll see you in the so-called 'morning'."

"Yes, ma'am." He repeated it like a robot, but didn't move. He hesitated for a long second, then finally turned reluctantly toward the door before he could act on any of the crazy ideas that suddenly raced through his head. _This isn't the time for that kind of thing. _Sleep. He just needed sleep first._ This whole situation is confusing enough when you're awake. You don't want to do anything you'll regret…_

Kaidan left the commander's quarters at last, and the hiss of the door closing behind him was both a relief and a disappointment.

* * *

Elizabeth watched the lieutenant leave, then exhaled loudly and sank down onto the bed. It seemed a weight had been lifted off her shoulders now that she had made a decision as to how to proceed with Kaidan, now that she had finally managed – to a certain extent – to let him know how much he meant to her. Yet something still nagged at the back of her mind. Something still felt… wrong.

_You know this isn't going to work._ Shepard ran her hands over her face, wishing she had never let herself look twice at Lieutenant Alenko. She wished she'd slapped him back into his rightful spot the moment he'd first slipped up on the Citadel. Of course, at the time she couldn't have fathomed what that little offhand comment might start.

_A whole slew of trouble_, she thought somberly. _If we make it through this mission, he'll have to be transferred. _She couldn't risk the chance of doing something stupid to protect him. She wanted to keep seeing him, but they couldn't continue serving on the same boat. Not if she was going to remain sane… and not unless they wanted to be kicked out of the service. Elizabeth leaned back on her pillows, staring at the ceiling as if it had answers and remembering what Joker had said to her in the mess. _"… speaking from experience, I'd take a court martial over what I'm feeling any day."_

The man was right, of course. Yet she couldn't let others suffer from her relationship with the lieutenant, either.

When all of this Reaper business was finished, one of them would just have to be reassigned. As depressing as that concept seemed at the moment, Elizabeth tried to cheer herself by considering the fact she'd at least come to _some_ kind of conclusion. If Joker hadn't of come to talk to her in the mess, she might never have made up her mind. She might have put it off just one day too late. She might have taken Kaidan for granted, and never gotten to tell him how much she actually needed him.

Shepard reached over to key the intercom. "Shepard to bridge: Joker, you there?"

"Aye aye, Commander," the man's voice came back at once. "Readin' you loud and clear. Something I can do for you?"

Elizabeth smiled at the question, thinking she often took Joker for granted, too. She would have to stop doing that. "I just wanted to say, um… thanks. For the talk."

"Oh, yeah." A melancholy undertone snuck through the pilot's robust words. "Sure, no problem. I'm just glad I could help." He paused a second. "I did _help_, right? You talked to Lieutenant Alenko? 'Cause I've been watching him pace a hole in the floor at his post for the past eight hours or so –"

"Yes," Elizabeth answered quickly, wincing at the thought of keeping Kaidan on pins and needles for so long. But she had needed to be absolutely sure… "Yes, I talked to him already."

She heard Joker's sigh through the comm. "Good."

"Doctor Chakwas has ordered we both get at least eighteen hours of sleep," Shepard continued. "I already sent Alenko to the sleeper pods, and I'm about to hit the sack myself."

"So you're saying I'll be flying the Hydra relay all by my lonesome?"

"Well, if you really need a copilot you could always call on Navigator Press-"

"I'm sure I can handle it myself, Commander."

"I expected as much." Elizabeth sighed heavily, her body beginning to relax, her mind finally unwinding. "Thanks again, Joker," she said sincerely, closing her eyes.

"You're welcome, Commander. Now get some sleep; I'll make it a smooth ride."

Shepard murmured her appreciation and barely managed to turn off the intercom before she fell hard into a deep, dreamless slumber.

* * *

_Hawking Eta. Thirteen hours later, aboard the _Normandy, _Presrop geosynchronous orbit._

Kaidan decided he was getting real fed up with the random assignments Fifth Fleet liked to dump on them last minute just as they entered a system. So maybe the _Normandy_ was the closest Alliance vessel at the time, and sure, Shepard _was_ a Spectre, but that didn't mean the crew could afford to get sidetracked from their main – and definitely most important – mission of stopping Saren.

Yet get sidetracked they did. Often.

_Probably why Saren has such a head start to Ilos, _he thought sourly, pulling the hardsuit's helmet over his head. The hiss of the neck seal drowned his sigh. It wasn't only that he hated being pulled off route to Ilos – however brief of a stop it might be – it was that his promised eighteen hours of sleep had been cut to twelve. His head still felt clouded and the lieutenant hoped his reflexes wouldn't be slowed by his grogginess. He'd already gone to Dr. Chakwas for a hardsuit stimulant package… the woman had given him a disapproving look but said nothing as she handed it over.

A growl escaped Kaidan's throat as he pulled his pistol from his locker and holstered it on his belt. It wasn't _his_ fault he didn't have time to sleep these days. Well, not _entirely _his fault_._ He'd actually been surprised Shepard had chosen him to go along on this mission. He'd been very deeply asleep at the time… Joker had practically been screaming at him through the sleeper pod's built-in comm unit before the lieutenant finally woke up enough to realize he was being summoned to the communications room. Then he'd stumbled out of the pod in a rush only to crash right into Shepard – she'd been coming to get him herself.

His face burned hot beneath his helmet at the memory. He snatched his assault rifle next and slid it into its spot on the back of his hardsuit, shaking his head. The briefing had made it clear why he was going to the surface of a cold, inhospitable moon instead of sleeping… this mission dealt with biotics. A somewhat crazy biotic and his cult following. "Sorry for interrupting your sleep, Alenko, but I want you along on this one," Shepard had told him on their way to the comm room. "I really appreciated your help resolving Chairman Burns' kidnapping, and I'd like to avoid bloodshed on this mission, too."

Her compliment admittedly had made him feel something to the equivalent of warm fuzzies, but that had passed quickly as he learned more details of exactly what Fifth Fleet expected of them this time: Stop an unstable biotic who used to be an Alliance soldier, and meanwhile fend off the man's hundreds of biotic zealots... preferably in a peaceful manner, of course. _Yep, just another day aboard the _Normandy, Kaidan thought wearily_._ Maybe the gravitational warp of another biotic would wake him up some…

"Alenko!" Shepard's voice cracked through the garage like a whip, making Kaidan nearly drop the handful of grenades he'd been about to stick onto his belt. "Double-time it lieutenant or you'll find yourself floating down to Presrop!"

"Aye aye, Commander!" He hurriedly fixed the grenades and cycled his locker shut, once again reminded of the fact Shepard was an N7, a Spectre, and his commanding officer. _I deserve it_, he told himself as a wave of embarrassment rose up his neck, _I need a reminder every now and then._ He jogged over to where he hadn't noticed the others were already ready and waiting by the Mako and gave Shepard a curt nod.

She glared at him through her helmet's thin visor slit and Kaidan swallowed hard. He knew what that look meant.

_Don't get sloppy, Alenko._

The commander finally released him from her stare and nodded toward the looming ground vehicle beside them. "Load up!" she ordered, beginning to climb into the driver's seat herself.

The lieutenant exhaled slowly, glancing to Garrus and Tali as they all moved to take their usual Mako positions. Tali's helmet hid most of her expression; she gave Kaidan the barest of nods before nimbly maneuvering herself into the front passenger seat. Garrus watched Kaidan for a moment, mandibles twitching, and even as the lieutenant stepped up into the rear seat, he suspected the turian was smiling… not that Kaidan really knew what a turian's smile looked like, though.

He settled himself in the seat behind the commander and scowled, his thoughts going back to the fact the whole crew knew of his and Shepard's involvement. The information did little to ease the burn still flaming on his face and ears. He wondered if that would ever go away now.

The Mako hummed around him as Shepard started the engines; the control panels in front of him flickered to life and he heard Garrus in the turret seat behind him running through weapons diagnostics. The four of them buckled their restraint harnesses, and then the commander keyed her hardsuit's comm, transmitting across to the whole team.

"Shepard to Joker, we're set for drop. Whenever you're ready."

"Aye, aye, Commander," the pilot replied. "Starting approach now; estimated time of drop is t-minus three minutes."

"Acknowledged, Shepard out." There was a small click as the commander changed frequencies to include only those in her shore party.

Kaidan braced himself for the familiar drag of the _Normandy_ entering atmosphere – even one as thin as Presrop's would still create enough friction to feel, especially from their position in the garage. Shortly after that sensation the bay doors would open, revealing the drab scenery of their rocky destination below. The lieutenant straightened in his seat, trying to focus on the mission ahead, trying to forget what the rest of the crew knew, trying to forget himself what Shepard had said to him just hours ago. _"I need you, Kaidan."_

He squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them again, clenching his jaw.

_Don't get sloppy, Alenko._

* * *


	6. Part Four: Ilos: Change

**Author's Note:** Well, this chapter got so long that I gave up and split it into two parts. The second half of this will be coming shortly as a seperate chapter, and then there will be only one more chapter after that. Hopefully. I keep underestimating this fic... As a heads-up, there is quite a bit of game dialogue here, but I also tweaked it a bit in some places to make some parts fit better with this story. Sometimes the Shenko game dialogue was just off a bit, so I tried to fix that. Hope you enjoy!  
Also, unending thanks to my two betas, Rian Sage and crackferret! Your feedback and help is much appreciated!! Couldn't do it without you!

* * *

**Part Four: Ilos  
**"**Change"  
**_Hawking Eta sector, en route to Century __system_.

Ten hours. Ten hours till they reached Ilos. Kaidan stood at his locker, mechanically going over the motions of cleaning his pistol for the fifth time in a row. It didn't really need to be cleaned anymore, but his most recent shift had ended an hour ago and he already knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. No one could.

The lieutenant glanced over at Wrex. The krogan also seemed at a loss for what to do in these last remaining hours; he'd been polishing his Colossus armor ever since Kaidan had stepped off the elevator. Garrus had his upper half buried under the Mako, tinkering with something. Periodically Tali emerged from engineering only to look around at the three of them curiously for a moment, then return to where she came from.

Kaidan hadn't seen Liara since they'd returned from Presrop. He assumed she was still locked up in the med-bay storage room poring over the various prothean data discs they'd found throughout their ventures, hoping to find some clue as to how to get rid of the Reapers for good.

He still couldn't believe they'd gotten off that moon without firing a single shot. Upon first entering the building where Major Kyle resided, the lieutenant had honestly thought there might be a chance, even after all they'd been through, that Shepard and her team may not make it out alive. The number of biotics there was overwhelming, and none had been hesitant to make their fierce loyalty to Kyle quite clear. Survival would have been tough if it had come down to a fight, even for a Spectre. Maybe that was why Shepard had seemed so keen on talking.

He finished with his pistol – again - and looked it over with a critical eye. Luckily his helmet had hidden the open-mouthed amazement plastered on his face by the end of Shepard's talk with Major Kyle. He'd never heard anyone change another person's mind by twisting their own words around like Shepard had done on Presrop. If he didn't know her any better, he would have wondered why she'd never considered a career in politics.

He sighed, beginning to carefully piece his weapon back together, unwilling to scrub over it a sixth time. Still, there was really nothing else to do. Everyone currently off-duty was too anxious to concentrate on anything fun, and Kaidan wasn't even that tired anymore. Dr. Chakwas had made sure both he and Shepard finished catching up on their rest as soon as the Presrop debriefing was over.

The lieutenant placed his pistol back in his locker and shut the door. There was another thing that bothered him aside from the general anxiety of finally nearing Ilos… he had planned to talk to Shepard again after they woke up from their eighteen hours of sleep. Except then they had been called to deal with Major Kyle, and then there had been the debriefing, fulfilling the doctor's rest requirements, piloting the Century system's mass relay, writing and filing mission reports, and of course carrying out his duty shift.

After all of that, the two of them hadn't had a chance to even say hello to each other, much less actually have an in-depth conversation. Now, with only ten hours left till they hit the Refuge system, time was running out, forcing him into a decision he'd hoped he wouldn't have to make.

_Shit._ He knew what he had to do. He couldn't live with himself if he didn't do it. He couldn't concentrate on anything else, couldn't properly have his head in the game, couldn't face Ilos without doing it. The lieutenant inhaled deeply and wiped his palms against his pants as he turned away from his locker and made his way back toward the elevator. _Well, here goes nothing._

* * *

Elizabeth had just finished typing up a summary of her opinion on the state of Major Kyle's mental health for Admiral Hackett when she heard the sound of her door opening. She stood from her chair abruptly and whirled toward the offending personnel, preparing to both chastise them for their lack of courtesy and demand what the hell was so urgent.

The words died on her lips when she saw Lieutenant Alenko. He was possibly the last person she would have expected to barge unannounced into her room. The door shut behind him and he stopped, looking suddenly doubtful.

"Commander," he greeted uncertainly.

Shepard pursed her lips, briefly considering going ahead with her reprimand. But for Kaidan to come to her like this… whatever he had to say must be important. Besides, she'd told him multiple times to stop second-guessing himself. Maybe he was finally taking her advice to heart.

"For now," she answered wryly, crossing her arms. "I suppose the Alliance has to catch me before they can strip my rank."

Kaidan shook his head, a tentative smile growing across his face. "After what you just pulled with Major Kyle, I don't see how they can afford to get rid of you."

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows. He had a point. "What do you need?" she asked, curious to learn what had brought him here so abruptly.

The lieutenant's shoulders relaxed at her question; apparently he'd braced himself against a less-favorable reaction to his intrusion. He moved from the door to stand in the middle of the room, bringing his dark eyes up to her face.

"I don't want to speak out of turn," he said quietly. "I mean, I hope we're close enough after all we've said already…" He hesitated, then said, "What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We've mutinied, stole a prototype warship - if they wanna get technical they can throw in kidnapping." He grunted, shaking his head. "We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

Elizabeth cocked an eyebrow at him, thinking of how Joker had labeled both of them as 'goody-two-shoes'. She supposed she _was_ one really, at heart, but sometimes the end _did_ justify the means – especially when the end included ensuring the safety of the entire galaxy. "I don't know about the example part," she said, quirking a half-smile, "but as far as saving the galaxy, how good are first-timers supposed to be?"

A return smile pulled at Kaidan's mouth. "Heh. Fair enough," he consented.

A short, awkward silence fell over them. Elizabeth watched the lieutenant fidget for a moment, and then he cleared his throat. "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos," he said finally. "If things don't go well, I want you to know, well…" He stepped forward again, this time within arm's reach, and Elizabeth felt her breath catch. But he stopped there and simply gave her a nod. "I've enjoyed serving under you."

She stared at him. He met her gaze evenly, intensely, like the time they'd almost kissed by her locker, and she knew then what he'd really come to say. "You're still hesitating?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper. "After all we've been through? What are you afraid of?" She remembered what he'd told her about Rahna at BAaT – was it possible that rejection still haunted him so deeply?

_I'm not going to stop you, Kaidan._

He sighed, then shrugged. "I don't know," he admitted. "I mean the regs against fraternization seem kind of petty now. Taking a stolen ship to face a giant extragalactic war machine…" His brows furrowed, and for a second his eyes drifted away, looking somewhere far off.

Then he came back to her, refocusing, his face set. "You know what? You're right. About everything." He took another step, so close now Elizabeth swore she could feel the heat radiating off his skin.

"I think about losing you and I can't stand it," he confessed huskily. "The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I…" His hands reached up to cup her face, and the touch stirred a long-suppressed desire deep within her. "_We_ – are important right now. This is what will never happen again. _Us_." He swallowed hard. "Shepard… you make me feel… human."

A strange sensation rushed through Elizabeth's body at Kaidan's words. Maybe it was the desperate look in his eyes, or the complete vulnerability of his expression, or the fact he'd finally spoken his mind despite the possible consequences. But she didn't want to be alone anymore. Not now, not in the final hours before they finally caught up with Saren again.

For the first time in thirteen years, Elizabeth Shepard decided to put Alliance regulations in the back seat.

"Bunk here tonight, Kaidan," she whispered, resting her hands on his chest. "With me."

Surprise flickered briefly over his face, his hands sliding down to gently grip her elbows. But then a smile grew slowly across his lips. "Is that an order, Commander?"

Elizabeth took a deep breath. He was being honest with her, and she would be honest with him. "Kaidan… you make me feel like I could take on the universe," she said, the half-smile lifting a corner of her mouth again. "And right now, I kinda have to."

_And if we can't stop the Reapers…._

"This can't change anything, Shepard," he said, as if he'd already considered the impact of them staying the night together before he'd even entered her room. As if he'd never planned on leaving in the first place.

"This is a good crew," he continued softly. "The finest I've served with. I don't want to mess that up."

A bloom of appreciation welled in Elizabeth's chest; she reached up and caught Kaidan's face in her hands, pulling him down into a full-fledged kiss.

It took the lieutenant a second to react, but in the next instant his arms wrapped around her, pulling her against him, and any remaining desire in either of them to stay within regulation boundaries disappeared.

The floodgates opened; all the feelings and thoughts Elizabeth had denied herself and tried to control over the past four months exploded into the open with dizzying, electrifying intensity. She hardly noticed the various furnishings they bumped into as she steered Kaidan toward the door and reached out to engage the lock. Then they stumbled back toward the bed, not once breaking their kiss.

* * *

_Ten hours later. Century system._

Elizabeth finished buckling her belt, then straightened the shirt of her uniform and looked back toward her bed. Kaidan still slept deeply, sprawled on his back, the sheets twisted around his waist. She smiled at the sight and moved over to her desk, leaning back against it and watching the peaceful rise and fall of his bare chest with a contentment she hadn't known in fifteen years.

It was strange, to be so calm in the midst of all that was happening – in the face of all that couldhappen in just the next few hours. Strange to think not long ago she had been no where near as settled or prepared as she felt now. Now the thing that had been nagging at her the past few days, the thing that had kept her awake at night, had finally been resolved. Now she could face whatever happened on Ilos without having to worry the lieutenant would never know how she really felt about him. There was nothing left to say to Kaidan at this point… nothing left to be done.

A naughty grin pulled at Elizabeth's lips, but she tried to restrain it. Truth be told, the lieutenant had surprised her last night. For as careful and unassuming as he had been in every conversation they'd had before, he'd had no qualms about being aggressive in bed. Once Shepard opened the door for him with that first kiss, he'd wasted no time being shy.

She liked that. It was a side of him she rarely saw, a side of him she thought she could get used to… wanted to get used to, even. The grin broke out across her face despite her efforts, and the commander shook her head. _So much for your 'way out', Lieutenant._

She hadn't felt so giddy since she was a teenager. Hadn't been so satisfied since… well, ever. Sure there had been relationships here and there along her military career, but never of any depth or consequence. She had never _wanted_ one of any consequence, preferring to stay free of distractions and liabilities.

But Kaidan… somehow he had snuck in under her radar, and by the time she realized her feelings for him were far too strong for comfort, it was too late to try and change them.

"_This can't change anything, Shepard."_

Her smile faded. She cocked her head, studying the man sleeping in her bed. The more she thought about it, the more she looked at him, the more she realized things _had _changed. They could never undo what they had just done. And she didn't want to. But they couldn't continue as they had before, either. Not exactly.

Unwittingly, Elizabeth had made things worse for herself at the same time she'd made them better. In fact, if she stopped being an N7, Spectre, and CO and forced herself to be completely honest, she might even have said she was falling in –

Elizabeth startled as Kaidan murmured something and rolled over, reaching out as if to find her. His hand found only empty pillow, however, and at once the man opened his eyes and sat up, looking around in alarm.

The worry on his face disappeared as his dark eyes found her; he smiled somewhat sheepishly. "It's been a long time since I've met a woman who I, uh…"

"Bridge to Commander Shepard."

Elizabeth winced as Joker's voice sliced through her haze of contentment.

"We're five minutes out from the Mu relay."

Shepard drew in a deep breath and let it out heavily, shooting the intercom a glare before turning back to the lieutenant and granting him a soft smile. Right now, they didn't have enough time. Not nearly enough time to tell him everything she wanted to tell him. "You're a sweetheart, Kaidan."

It was all she could manage at the moment.

They looked at each other for a second and the air grew heavy with the anticipation of hovering on the edge, preparing to dive off into something dangerous, something unknown, something from which there might be no return.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Joker's waiting for you on the bridge," he prodded gently.

Elizabeth took another breath, steeling herself, bringing herself back into the mentality of a commanding officer, and nodded. She started to turn toward the door.

"I swear though if _anything_ happens to you…"

She turned to look back at the lieutenant; saw him swallow, his face lined with concern. "Take care, Shepard," he finished quietly.

Elizabeth opened her mouth to reply, but words failed her. She had to hope last night would be enough, because once she stepped out her door, all of this had to be forgotten… at least until Saren and the Reapers were stopped. She nodded silently again, then turned on her heel and quickly left the room.

* * *

Shepard arrived on the _Normandy_'s bridge to find Liara, Tali, and Navigator Pressly already there. She masked the twinge of embarrassment at having been the last one to appear for the jump and took hold of Joker's seat just as the mass effect field enveloped them.

Unlike the other relays in the Milky Way, the Mu landed them almost right on top of the Refuge system; Ilos was only a few short minutes away at full burn once they landed in the Pangea Expanse.

Elizabeth struggled to blink away the brightness of the jump, but Joker was already checking the sensor read-outs.

"Uh, Commander? We've got company."

Shepard squinted through the front viewport; the only thing she saw was a distant brown orb hanging against the backdrop of endless space.

"Have their sensors picked us up yet?" Liara asked, her usually light and airy tone worried.

"The stealth systems _are _engaged," Joker scowled, as if the asari had personally insulted him. "Unless we get close enough for a visual, they won't have any idea we're here."

Shepard glanced back down to the holographic read-outs, mentally counting the number of ship signatures the _Normandy_ had detected. Her stomach churned at the final tally; she bit her lip in thought, wondering how to proceed from here.

They had finally caught up to Saren… but now… how best to stop him?

She did a double-take as her gaze wandered over to the various camera monitors embedded in Joker's dash. They were all black – turned off. Even her years of practice failed to hide the confusion and then sudden realization that gripped her almost simultaneously. The pilot could see the door to her quarters from his seat… he could have seen Alenko go in…

Elizabeth felt her control unravel as the implications of that rushed into her mind, but then she slammed the mental door down hard, refusing to dwell on such thoughts now. She pushed her personal matters far, far back into her consciousness, walling them off as she had learned to do with the nightmares of Mindoir, Akuze, Virmire...

"We're picking up some strange readings from the planet's surface," Navigator Pressly said suddenly from his station to Shepard's left.

She nodded, relieved to have something concrete to focus on. "Take us down, Joker," she ordered, calm and in control once again. "Lock in the coordinates."

"Negative on that, Commander," Pressly answered almost immediately, "the nearest landing zone is two klicks away."

"We'll never make it in time on foot."

Despite herself, Elizabeth startled at the sound of Kaidan's voice. She turned to look over her shoulder and found him standing near the cockpit's entrance, not at all appearing as if only moments ago he'd been sleeping naked in her bed.

His dark eyes flicked over to meet hers for a split second before he looked back to Navigator Pressly. "Get us something closer."

"There is no where closer!" Pressly snapped. "I've looked!"

"Drop us in the Mako," Shepard suggested, not about to let the lack of a landing zone stop them now.

"You'd need at least a hundred meters of open terrain to pull off a drop like that," Pressly insisted. "The most I can find near Saren is twenty."

"Twenty meters?" Kaiden blurted. "We'll never get in close enough for a drop!"

Shepard peered at him; there was something strange in his voice…

"We have to try," Liara put in, glancing to the commander for support.

But the lieutenant shook his head, glaring first at the asari and then at Navigator Pressly. "Find another landing zone," he said firmly.

Elizabeth crossed her arms. It wasn't like Kaidan to be so argumentative when it came to battle tactics. He had always understood that sometimes, when left with no other choice, they had to take the more dangerous route. And that had never been truer than right now. If the shore party had to strap rockets to the back of their hardsuits, they would get to the surface of Ilos. Kaidan _knew_ that…

"There is no other landing zone!" Pressly shot back, and Tali moved to look over his shoulder at the geographical displays, lighting up her omni-tool.

She also shook her helmeted head. "The descent angle's too steep," she admitted.

"It's our only option," Liara persisted, clearly as anxious as Shepard to begin doing something.

"It's not an option, it's a suicide run!" Kaidan barked. "We don't –"

"I can do it."

Joker's calm words cut through the turmoil like a knife; all eyes turned to look at him and silence fell like a heavy blanket. The pilot, however, looked at no one, focused instead on his controls.

Shepard lifted one eyebrow. "Joker?"

"I can do it."

There wasn't a shred of doubt in his voice. His set jaw and stony gaze told her all she needed to know.

Elizabeth nodded. "Tali, Liara, gear up and head down to the Mako," she ordered. "Joker, drop us right on top of that bastard."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

The man wasted no time; the _Normandy_ yawed hard left as he started on the decent vector and Shepard had to reach out to catch herself on the bulkhead. Liara and Tali stumbled off down the corridor and Elizabeth followed them, ignoring the stare from Kaidan as she passed. But she heard him follow her as she went to her locker.

She keyed the comm in her ear. "Garrus, gear up, we're going down in the Mako."

"Aye, aye, Commander. Meet you in the garage."

Shepard opened her locker and began pulling out her hardsuit. Kaidan hovered in her peripheral vision, shifting on his feet. She didn't acknowledge his presence, until he couldn't stay quiet any longer.

"Commander… I, uh…"

"I didn't like your attitude on the bridge," Elizabeth said crisply, knowing he wanted an explanation for why he wasn't going ground-side as usual, even if he couldn't bring himself to say it. "You're not going anywhere till you get your priorities straight, Lieutenant."

He stood in stricken silence as she pulled out her pistol and shotgun.

"Commander," he started softly, "we didn't come all this way just to be –"

"- stopped by the terrain," Elizabeth finished, giving him a hard look.

"I was going to say –"

"I know what you were thinking back there, Alenko," Shepard snapped, shutting her locker. "I could hear it in your voice." She leaned closer to him, speaking through her teeth. "It's exactly what I _didn't_ want to happen. And we can't afford that kind of thing out in the field." She gathered up her equipment and stalked off toward her quarters, leaving Kaidan with his mouth still open.

* * *


	7. Part Five: Ilos: Soldier

**Author's Note:** A few things. Firstly, Firefly and Serenity fans will notice I inserted a Wash line into this chapter. It fit too well to resist, and who's to say Joker hasn't watched Serenity? I secretly think he's a big fan too. Secondly, I must thank Sinvraal for putting out the image of Garrus in the Mako canon turret. For some reason that just seems so natural, I put Garrus in the turret in my chapter as well! So... there you go, I guess you have some cross-fic continuity, lol. And thirdly, thank you so very much again to my two betas, Rian Sage and crackferret! Hope you enjoy this chapter... I must admit it was one of my favorites to write.

* * *

**Part Five: Ilos  
**"**Soldier"  
**_Pangea Expanse. Refuge system, Ilos orbit._

Kaidan strode back to the cockpit feeling as if Shepard had all but physically punched him in the gut. The knot in his chest was more than a sick sense of betrayal – it was the worse sensation of knowing she'd been absolutely right about everything, and the self-loathing that came from that knowledge.

_How could I have let that happen? She trusted me to be able to handle what we did, to be able to still do my job, and I failed. I disappointed her…_

The thought was like a hot knife in his heart. He couldn't stand it. He barged onto the bridge and threw himself into the copilot's chair, punching up the holographic displays with far too much force.

"Not going top-side this time?" Joker asked mildly.

Kaidan shot the other man a glare, but said nothing. He'd gotten himself into this mess, and the painful truth was he probably _did_ deserve to be left on the ship. Yet the idea of Shepard going to confront Saren without him ate at him like a living thing. At least when he went ground-side he was able to keep an eye on her, to help her out if necessary, to _do something_. Especially now, at this most critical time, he _needed_ to be with Shepard…

"Welcome to my world," Joker muttered, and Kaidan looked over in surprise, thinking for a moment he'd spoken out loud.

"Shepard to Joker, we're set for drop." Her voice crackled over the bulkhead comm's speakers and a leap of adrenaline shot through Kaidan's limbs. He clenched his fists, barely resisting the urge to say something.

But she wouldn't change her mind. He already knew that. She was too good of a soldier, too good of a leader. He'd fucked up and he was going to pay for it… one night without regulations and he'd fallen to pieces, while Shepard had just kept on going.

"Aye, aye, Commander," Joker was saying. "We're on approach now." He glanced to the readouts on his left. "Time to drop is t-minus six minutes."

"Acknowledged. Shepard out." There was a click, and then she was gone. Kaidan felt like he would choke on his helplessness.

The lieutenant finally made himself look at the navigational readouts and his stomach heaved. The descent angle was far too steep; he couldn't imagine how the _Normandy_ would handle that much gravitational stress without splitting apart. He glanced over at Joker; the man seemed perfectly calm.

_I should have fought this harder_, Kaidan thought. _This isn't going to work. We'll have come all this way just to be ripped apart in the atmosphere…_

"Might want to strap in, Lieutenant," Joker drawled, but his tone bit. "We're about to start your _suicide run_."

Kaidan frowned, but did as he was told. The feel of the restraint harness against his shoulders only reinforced the fact he was stuck on the ship while Shepard dropped without him. The burn in his chest erupted into a flame and Kaidan had to grit his teeth to keep from swearing aloud.

"Attention all personnel," Joker said suddenly into the ship-wide intercom, "we're about to begin our descent for the Mako drop. It's going to be a little rough, so please make sure your seats are in the upright position and your tray tables are up and locked into place. Oh, and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts." He flipped off the intercom and glanced to Kaidan.

"If this doesn't work…" the lieutenant began warningly, but then didn't know how to finish. If the drop didn't work – even if the _Normandy_ managed to stay in one piece – the entire mission was likely to fail. And Shepard would likely be dead.

His stomach twisted again and Kaidan had to swallow down a bout of nausea.

Joker shook his head and leaned back in his seat, cracking his knuckles. "Clearly you don't know me at all, Lieutenant." He took off his cap and set it on the bulkhead between them, then buckled his own restraint harness. "But I guess being ground-side, all the times the _Normandy_ and I saved your ass, you weren't aboard for the dance." He grinned.

"Dance?" Kaidan asked skeptically.

"I am a leaf on the wind…"

"What?" The lieutenant experienced a brief but frightening thought that maybe the pilot was starting to lose it, as demonstrated by his insane choice of drop angle.

"…watch how I soar." Joker grabbed the _Normandy_'s steering yoke and took the ship down toward Ilos so abruptly Kaidan's teeth snapped together.

"Too fast," the lieutenant warned, gripping the arms of his chair as the planet's atmosphere loomed in the view-port. His eyes swept the scrolling readouts in front of him, seeing the engine panels light up red. He felt the normal vibrations of the ship beneath his boots intensify. "Too fast," he said again, louder.

Joker ignored him.

The _Normandy_ plunged into the atmosphere of Ilos like a rocket; the ship jarred violently and Joker's cap skittered across the cockpit floor. Alarms blared briefly before the pilot flicked out a hand and silenced them.

"Too fast goddamnit!" Kaidan tried again, bracing himself on the bulkhead as the entire ship trembled around him. "You're going to tear us apart!"

Still he got no reply. The _Normandy_ arrowed for the ground, and as they broke through the lower atmosphere Kaidan saw the towering remains of the Prothean ruins emerge from the fog like teeth from some monstrous creature.

"T-minus ten seconds, Commander," Joker said, raising his voice to be heard above the roar of the engines.

"We're ready," she replied coolly.

"Ten seconds…" Kaidan repeated, shaking his head. The ground approached far too quickly, his instincts took over and the lieutenant reached for the copilot's yoke, bound and determined to slow their descent before the _Normandy_'s wreckage could be added to the ruins already scattered across the planet's surface.

"Eight, seven, six…" Joker counted aloud, his face a mask of concentration.

Kaidan tried to pull up, but the yoke was locked. It had been disabled. This time he made no attempt to restrain himself, swearing profusely. He sent a wicked glare at Joker, but the man was oblivious.

"… five, four…"

The holographic displays showed the bay doors were opening. The _Normandy_ shook viciously, creaking and groaning.

"… three, two, _one_!" Joker hauled the ship's nose up just as the Mako rolled from the garage; there was a split second of vertigo in which Kaidan seemed to float, then gravity kicked in again and slammed him down into his seat, crushing the air from his lungs as Joker blasted the ship straight up, sparing a crash by a mere hundred meters.

Black crept in around Kaidan's vision as the g-forces squeezed him, but then the pressure released and the _Normandy_ evened out, resuming a normal atmospheric burn as Joker brought the ship in a wide loop around a Prothean tower.

"Shepard to Joker, drop successful. Right on target."

Kaidan exhaled explosively at the sound of her voice.

"We had a visual on Saren coming in," Shepard continued, "but he engaged the ruin's security procedures somehow and now we're locked out. We're going to try and find another way in, we'll keep in contact."

"Aye, aye, Commander," Joker said. "_Normandy_ will be standing by."

"Shepard out." Another click.

Kaidan sat for a moment, breathing hard, feeling sweat trickle down between his shoulder blades. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then reached over to bring up the coordinates of the landing zone Navigator Pressly had found earlier.

"Well, Alenko?" Joker asked into the sudden quiet. "How was the dance?"

The lieutenant stopped what he was doing and looked to the other man. He opened his mouth to say the stunt was reckless and crazy, but another part of him realized Joker had pulled off an extremely dangerous maneuver with flawless perfection. Kaidan closed his mouth, swallowed hard, and then nodded. "Best damn pilot in the Fleet," he admitted, because after going through that drop, he believed it. "I'm, uh… sorry… about earlier. It's just… I didn't want…"

Joker shook his head. "No, don't worry about it. I'm used to it. But do me a favor next time and leave the flying to me."

Kaidan gave another nod.

"I mean, you don't see me telling you how to shoot the geth or use your biotic powers –"

"Joker, I'm sorry," the lieutenant tried again. "It wasn't anything personal. I was just… I didn't want to come all the way here just to kill ourselves in the drop."

"I'm pretty sure the drop was the easy part," the other man replied, shaking his head. "Shepard's gonna need all the help she can get down there."

"Yeah…." Kaidan resumed entering his coordinates, only to discover halfway through that they were already programmed in. He squinted over at the pilot. "Did you…?"

"I don't care how good the commander thinks she is," Joker continued, "Saren's got her _way_ outnumbered. And no offense to Dr. T'soni or the quarian, but those two aren't the most battle-experienced on this boat. Tell you the truth, Alenko, I'd feel a helluva lot better about this whole thing if you were down there instead."

"Just get me to that landing zone –"

"Way ahead of you, Lieutenant. Pressly's authorized a landing to send Shepard some backup. We're already en route. You'd better go get suited up. Oh, and take Wrex with you, would you? He gets restless when he's aboard too long and I really don't feel like dealing with a testy krogan right now."

Kaidan couldn't unbuckle his restraint harness fast enough. "You don't even have to touch down," he said, standing from his seat, "just get me close enough to the ground to jump."

"That's the plan," Joker intoned.

"Let me know when you're ready."

"Aye, aye, Lieutenant."

Kaidan turned to go to his locker, the giddy sense of finally being able to make things right made his steps light.

"Alenko."

He stopped and looked back at the pilot, unwilling to be delayed any longer.

Joker twisted in his seat, holding out a hand and wiggling his fingers. "My hat?"

Kaidan let out a quiet sigh, but moved forward to scoop the man's cap off the floor. He handed it back to the pilot, a small smile curving the side of his mouth despite everything. "You're a crazy son-of-a-bitch, you know that?"

Joker grinned. "Absolutely." He pulled the cap down over his head. "Never wanted to be anything else." He turned back to his flight controls. "You've got about three minutes, Lieutenant."

Kaidan wasted no more time; without another word he jogged from the cockpit to get his gear.

_Hang on, Shepard. I'm coming._

* * *

Things were not going according to plan.

Shepard dove back behind her cover as the geth Armature fired another blast of concentrated dark energy. She felt her own biotic aura flicker as it passed; a prickling sensation rippled over her skin and she shook her head. Too close.

"Garrus!" she barked over the hardsuit comm channel. "Concentrate your fire on that Destroyer! Liara, you take the shock troopers. Tali, work on that Armature's shields!"

A chorus of affirmative acknowledgements came back at her, but Elizabeth couldn't help feel a well of frustration. This fight was taking too long. Saren got further and further ahead of them with each passing moment.

According to the readings of Tali's omni-tool, a promising energy signature lay just ahead in a room that looked suspiciously like a control center. Shepard hoped it would prove to be just what they needed to open the door Saren had closed on them upon their arrival. However, just _getting_ to the energy reading's source was fast becoming a problem.

A wide circular room stretched before them, on the other side of which was the control center, and in the middle of which stood three geth Armatures, two geth Destroyers, a geth Prime, and a handful of shock troopers.

Only two of the Armatures, one Destroyer, and three shock troopers had been eliminated so far, and Shepard didn't like the nagging doubts that kept sneaking into her battle concentration: Had she made the right decision regarding Kaidan? Should she have brought him along despite his lapse in judgment? Had she compromised the mission by changing the dynamics of her team?

She hadn't had problems with second-guessing herself since shortly after Akuze. Elizabeth gritted her teeth and gave herself yet another sound mental thrashing for caving in to her feelings the night before. It had just made things so much more complicated…

Liara ducked around one of the ruin's pillars and threw up a hand; a gravitational distortion warped around her body briefly and then swept outwards, catching another four shock troopers and sending them smashing into each other.

Garrus took advantage of the opportunity and switched the aim of his sniper rifle to the newly-helpless knot of geth, picking them off one by one. Neither the turian nor the asari saw the geth Prime – which had been temporarily disabled by one of Tali's tech grenades until that moment – bring its rifle to bear on Liara.

"Liara, watch out!" Shepard called, but the asari didn't react fast enough.

The bullets rained against her shields; a few finally hissed through just as Liara threw herself back behind her cover and the archaeologist cried out as wounds opened up on her left shoulder and thigh. Tali moved forward quickly as Liara hit the ground and helped pull the asari from the line of fire.

Elizabeth leaned around the Prothean statue she had crouched behind and emptied a clip into the Prime's center eye. The giant geth slowed its advance; sparks flickered in the depths of its neck and shoulders. It tried to turn in her direction, but a final shot from Garrus' sniper rifle put it down, this time for good.

The Armature fired another blast of dark energy, forcing both Garrus and Shepard to resume their cover. Bullets from the last remaining Destroyer and few shock troopers zinged by on all sides, keeping them pinned down.

"Liara, what's your status?" Shepard asked, seeing the asari's indicator in her HUD flashing red, indicating an armor breach.

"Nothing too serious, Commander," the archaeologist answered, her voice strained and breathless. "But I think my leg is broken… one of the bullets must have lodged in the bone."

Shepard grimaced behind her helmet. "All right, Tali, you take care of her wounds and stay with her. Garrus and I will push on ahead –"

"That's not necessary, Commander," Liara insisted. "My injuries are not life-threatening, just painful. I can take care of them myself –"

"Don't argue, Dr. T'soni," Elizabeth snapped, briefly wishing for more team members who were military-trained and wouldn't talk back. She keyed the comm to Joker's frequency. "Joker, get to that landing site Navigator Pressly found on the double. Tali and Liara will meet you there, tell Dr. Chakwas to be standing by."

"Eh… aye, aye, Commander."

"There a problem, Moreau?" She was in no mood for any further setbacks.

"No. No, ma'am," the man replied quickly enough. "We'll be waiting for them when they get there."

"Good. Shepard out." She switched back to the party channel just as a lull came in the hail of bullets. Without hesitation she moved from behind her cover once again, her eyes darting across the clearing and noting the enemies' positions with expert precision.

The blue biotic corona flickered to life around her as she gathered an attack of her own. From the corner of her eye she saw the Armature collect itself, the telltale glow of another energy blast beginning to mount on its head. But Elizabeth kept her concentration on the geth soldiers, mustering her strength, preparing for the strongest throw she could manage. If she timed it right, she could disable all the troopers before the Armature's shot reached her.

_Just a few more seconds…_

* * *

Shepard's hardsuit transponder, a flashing icon in one corner of Kaidan's HUD, guided him like the North Star had guided sailors for so many hundreds of years. The terrain occasionally proved troublesome – the lieutenant already had sweat dripping down his neck despite his years of rigorous military training – but he navigated the jutting ruins and rocky hills with a pace born of solid determination.

Wrex lumbered along behind him, keeping up well enough regardless of his massive size. The krogan grumbled about not yet having run into any geth, but Kaidan was glad. The less time they spent fighting, the less time it would take to reach Shepard's current position.

Eventually their path became littered with geth corpses, and the lieutenant's pulse quickened. He glanced to the icon in his HUD. The distance meter read half a klick. He picked up into a jog, readying his pistol, and heard Wrex follow suit with his assault rifle.

The two of them had only gone a few more meters before the sounds of an active battle reached them. The repetitive shots of a pistol, the loud snap of a sniper, the clatter of pulse rifles – and the unmistakable whining hiss of a dark energy blast that had – mercifully – missed. Kaidan checked all the hardsuit readouts on his HUD; his heart wedged into his throat as he saw Liara's turn red.

He broke into a run.

* * *

The geth foot soldiers went flying in all directions as Shepard released a wave of gravitational distortion. She barely had time to throw up her biotic barrier before the Armature's blue ball of dark energy crashed into her full force.

Elizabeth went sprawling to the ground just as her amp overloaded with a painful jolt to the back of her skull. Both her barrier and hardsuit's kinetic shields fizzled out and she ground her teeth as tiny electrical impulses sent needles racing up and down her skin.

She tried to roll onto her side as the earth rocked around her. Her vision swam; for a moment she thought she might be sick. Someone yelled her name, sounding like they were underwater. She couldn't reply. Warning lights scrolled across her visor's HUD; an urgent beeping signaled that her shield modulator had shorted out.

Elizabeth grabbed her pistol in tingling fingers and struggled to sit up.

"Commander!"

She instinctually ducked at Tali's screamed warning and the Armature's trail of bullets punched into the soil just where her head had been. She crawled back over toward the Prothean statue, trying with all her might to ignore the buzzing in her head and weakness in her muscles.

Another growing whine heralded the four-legged geth's next energy attack, and Shepard knew she didn't have much time. Her team's weapons fired ceaselessly, but the Armature's shields were tough to crack.

Then there were sounds of new guns, behind her. A signature gravitational ripple nudged her burning nerves and Elizabeth turned her head to see the Armature suddenly freeze, held within a biotic field and unable to move – or fire. She blinked. A gray-armored knee dropped down on her other side.

"You okay, Commander?"

Kaidan. She looked up to him, found his dark eyes behind his visor. They were worried, but not the same as they had been when she'd left him on the _Normandy_. She nodded in answer to his question and made to stand.

The lieutenant put a hand under her arm, helping her up and back under cover behind the statue. It was then Shepard noticed Wrex's bulk, standing a few meters away and already in fighting position. She frowned, annoyed at the fact the two of them would act without her orders, but also thankful for the backup. She decided not to address the issue. Their first priority was to catch up with Saren, after all. And that could be more quickly accomplished with more guns.

The krogan's brutish, in-your-face battle tactics proved to be just what they needed. The remaining geth were quickly dispatched, clearing the way to the Prothean control room at last. Kaidan went to check on Liara's wounds while Tali worked on Shepard's shield modulator. Garrus and Wrex kept watch at the area's perimeter for more geth.

"There you are, Commander," Tali said brightly after just a few minutes. "That should take care of it." The quarian stepped away just as Elizabeth's shields flared to life. The warning in her HUD blinked off.

"Thanks, Tali. How are you holding up?"

"Fine, Commander. I think Liara got the worst of it…" Her helmeted head turned toward where Alenko crouched over the recumbent asari.

Shepard moved over to see for herself, arriving at Liara's side to see the lieutenant hooking a painkiller package into the asari's hardsuit.

"How bad is it?" she asked.

Kaidan looked up and opened his mouth, but Liara answered first.

"I assure you, Commander, I will be fine."

"Dr. Chakwas should take a look as soon as possible," Kaidan added. "Nothing life-threatening, but I don't have the tools to extract the bullets, not as deep as these are."

Elizabeth nodded. "I already talked to Joker." She lit up her omni-tool and punched in a few commands. "Tali, I'm sending you the coordinates to the _Normandy_'s landing zone. The Mako won't make it through that terrain so you're going to have to walk it. Take Liara to the ship and get her settled in." She switched her gaze to Kaidan, who was currently helping Dr. T'soni stand. "Lieutenant, cover their six. Make sure they get to the ship safe and sound."

He tensed for the briefest of seconds, then nodded. "Aye, aye, Commander." He glanced at her, looked too long, but his tone satisfied her doubts.

She had her soldier back.

Shepard turned away from him to hide the hint of a smile. "Tali, you should probably stay with Liara on the _Normandy_," she called over her shoulder as she began leading the way across the debris-littered clearing. "Lieutenant, as soon as the girls are set, head back to our position as quickly as you can."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

His voice betrayed none of his relief. She definitely had her soldier back.

* * *

Kaidan braced one hand on the Mako's ceiling and one hand on the seat in front of him as Commander Shepard revved the vehicle into its highest gear and thundered straight down the middle of the ancient aqua-duct – straight for the undersized, ground-based mass effect relay still glowing and spinning in the distance.

The restraint harnesses worked fine for drops, but as fast as Shepard was driving, they did little to stop the unpleasant jouncing caused by rough terrain. The lieutenant saw Wrex attempting to hang onto the sides of his seat; the krogan's huge frame filled almost the whole of the Mako's front. Kaidan could only imagine what Garrus must be going through in the cannon turret. But the commander didn't seem to notice her team's discomfort. She faced the front, eyes riveted on the relay.

"Hostiles, twelve o' clock!" Garrus shouted through the hardsuit comm channel.

Kaidan glanced down to his read-outs and confirmed the turian's observation; Garrus had picked up human military expressions quickly.

"Acknowledged," Shepard said; something in her voice sent a chill down the lieutenant's back. "Hit them if you can, but we're not stopping."

"What?" Kaidan's blurted question was lost in the boom of the Mako's cannon. Garrus wasn't wasting any time clearing the way, and the lieutenant was grateful no one had heard his outburst.

_Just do as you're told, Alenko. Don't give her any reason to send you back to the ship again. _He turned his attention to his own external screens and brought the vehicle's rail guns online, hearing the whine as they warmed.

Shepard floored the Mako over a protruding tree root; Kaidan swore as the top of his head smacked into the ceiling. At least he hadn't bothered to take off his helmet. Still, the bouncing made it nearly impossible to aim… and then they were close enough to see the enemy signals more clearly.

"Commander," he shouted above the engine and cannon noise, "we've got four geth up ahead, Colossus class. Ten, eleven, one, and two o' clock!"

"I see them," Shepard said.

Kaidan watched her for a second, waiting for more, but got nothing. He gripped the back of her seat as she drove straight over a boulder, firing the boosters to help lift the massive Mako over the bulk.

As soon as the vehicle landed again Garrus resumed his near-constant canon fire, and Kaidan decided there was nothing left to do but follow suit. He linked the targeting computer into his HUD and then grimaced as the feed materialized right in front of his eyes. The targeting reticule blurred and bounced with the motion of the Mako, but the ride wasn't going to get any smoother. The lieutenant gritted his teeth and tried squinting to keep from getting sick. He gripped the rail guns' joysticks and squeezed the triggers, peppering the way ahead of them as best he could manage.

He saw the incoming Colossus fire through the targeting computer; the whole Mako shuddered as the first blast hit. Kaidan took a second to glance at the shield status indicator – it already read 90 percent. Another three crackling balls of energy slammed into them, dropping it to 60. His computer readouts flickered briefly.

Kaidan gritted his teeth, concentrating his fire on the Colossus furthest to the left. The machines were relentless in their onslaught, but Shepard never slowed, never even tried to avoid their fire. She just kept driving, gunning for the mass relay where Saren and his troops had disappeared just minutes before.

"Shields at twenty percent, Commander!" Kaidan said, feeling only a small bit of relief as the Colossus he'd been shooting steadily finally went dark and collapsed in on itself. A canon shot from Garrus blew a second one apart, but the remaining two were still very much alive.

The Mako bore down on the mass relay and the lieutenant held his breath. They were almost there, they were going to make it through…

"Shields down, Commander!" Garrus' warning came through the comm system just as the next energy blast hit. The force of it jarred the Mako sideways; alarms blared as Shepard struggled to regain control of the vehicle.

Bullets pinged against the armored hull like a storm of hail and Kaidan's targeting computer suddenly went black. He swore. "Lost external camera feeds," he reported automatically, releasing the gun controls.

"Taking hull damage," Garrus added grimly.

The relay loomed bright through the viewport, like a blue sun waiting to swallow them whole. Kaidan stared at it as it grew larger and larger; Shepard ignored the endless shower of bullets and drove the Mako straight through the space between the last two Colossi.

A shocking wave of apprehension suddenly gripped Kaidan's chest. They didn't even know if this would work, didn't know if the relay would function like it was supposed to, didn't know if the damaged Mako would hold up through the jump.

_At least I'm here, with her… whatever happens…_

He grabbed the back of the commander's seat again as she revved the vehicle up the ramp and fired the boosters, throwing them into the mass effect field without a second's hesitation.

* * *


	8. Part Six: The Citadel: Anchor

**Author's Note:** I actually wrote this chapter first, a long time ago. Then I decided I wanted to detail a few other Shenko scenes, and that's what made this fic so long. Argh. But here is the chapter that started it all, finally. It's still my favorite. Hee. I sort of wish I could end it here, but there's one last scene that needs to be written out...  
Thanks once again to my two betas Rian Sage and crackferret for your endless efforts and encouraging comments!  
And of course a continuing thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and review!! You are much appreciated!  
**CHAPTER SLIGHTLY EDITED SEPT. 26TH **

* * *

**Part Six: The Citadel  
**"**Anchor"  
**_Three hours later. Serpent Nebula, Widow system. Citadel Tower._

As soon as Elizabeth sent Kaidan and Garrus down to make sure Saren was dead, she knew it was a mistake. It had been an afterthought of an order, given foolishly. Because in her shock over the turian's suicide, in the rush of adrenaline still pulsing through her limbs, she had forgotten the vow she'd made to herself after the disaster at Virmire: never, under any circumstances, separate her squad again.

She had already acted against her instincts once by allowing Wrex to thunder off and pursue his own battles at the base of the Tower. But the krogan's mind wasn't going to be changed this time - she could tell from the look in his crimson eyes he was hell-bent on destruction - and Elizabeth had no desire to stand in his way. So she'd let him go, hoping against hope his vicious mercenary nature would keep him alive against all the odds.

She wasn't going to lose any more of them. She wasn't going to make that choice again. Especially not now, when they were seemingly so close to the end. When she was so close to pulling the rest of them through alive… If the combined fleets of the Citadel races could do their job outside, there was a chance they could make it out of this mess. Elizabeth shook her head, looking down over the edge of the walkway to Saren's broken body.

She had worried all this time about the lieutenant making some rash decision in an effort to protect her, but in the end _she _had been the one who had acted rashly. She'd rationalized her actions, of course, telling herself that allowing him to come along even after his behavior above Ilos had been for the sake of optimal team function, for the sake of efficient battle tactics. Telling herself he had realized his mistake and wouldn't make it again, telling herself the two of them could continue to fight together as before despite what had happened between them last night.

But she'd seen – _felt_ – the blatant truth many times over the course of their very long and desperate fight up the Citadel Tower. Every time a geth scored a hit against his shields, every time he moved from cover to release a biotic attack, every time he looked at her with those eyes, awaiting orders… she felt it - a sharp stab, right into her heart. A feeling something like she'd felt on Virmire at the moment she'd heard the geth were overtaking his position.

It had made her realize the fact he was with her now had been a completely selfish resolution. She could hardly bear to think of leaving him on the _Normandy_; it'd been hard enough dropping to the surface of Ilos without him in the first place. She knew the space battle would be ferocious; even with Joker's incredible piloting skills and her warship's advanced systems, it was unlikely the _Normandy_ would escape the hell already lighting up the sky around the Citadel.

So when given the opportunity to order him to stay on the ship with Liara, she had instead decided to take Kaidan with her. To keep him close. To protect him.

Shepard clenched her fists, seeing the lieutenant and Garrus carefully approach the former Spectre's corpse below, guns held at the ready. Now she wasn't even sure that had been such a good idea. She wasn't sure there was anywhere safe for him anymore. She wasn't sure there was anywhere safe for _anyone_. She wished she hadn't sent them down there without her. They weren't supposed to be separated…

Garrus sent another shot through Saren's skull, just to be sure. The echo of the blast was lost in the roar of the fires around them; the rumble of the station below her feet as it shook with the ferocity of the battle outside.

"He's dead," Kaidan called up to her, but Elizabeth, for some reason, did not feel reassured.

The lieutenant prodded Saren's body with his boot, and then satisfied, the two men turned to head back up to Shepard's walkway. _Yes, come back to me_, she silently willed them. _Please get back up here, fast._ Something just wasn't right. A horrible, unknown fear settled icily into her gut. Elizabeth opened her mouth to tell them to double-time it, but before she could utter a word, Saren's body began to glow and shudder.

Garrus and Kaidan froze for a second, then spun around in sudden comprehension, weapons raised. Shepard pulled her own pistol, taking aim; her heart cramming into her throat. _No no no… not this, please not this…_

But Saren thrashed and shrieked like he was still alive. His flesh burned and sizzled, then melted away as he rose slowly from the ground, his mechanical parts shining red and blue. The turian's shrieks turned deeper, more alien, more sinister as he was violently transformed into a husk by Sovereign's implants, and Shepard's finger squeezed down on the trigger.

She fired three shots before some unseen force made the Citadel shudder; the walkway beneath her cracked and broke, and Elizabeth felt herself falling. She ducked into a roll as she hit the ground beside where Garrus and Kaidan had taken up defensive positions behind a few piles of rubble and came up shooting again.

But this new Saren was quick and supple, like a geth Sapper. His blackened skeletal frame slithered and crawled from wall to wall, hissing and growling, dodging their bullets with ridiculous ease. Shepard gritted her teeth, knowing they weren't going to get any solid hits unless he was neutralized with biotics first.

She glanced to her squad mates; they were bunkered down behind a large piece of the fallen walkway, periodically leaning around its bulk to fire off a few shots. Satisfied, Elizabeth gathered her legs beneath her, switched her pistol to her left hand, and concentrated on collecting a dark energy field around her free hand. Its light shimmered around her body, and then she stood from her cover, facing Saren head on.

The transformed turian screeched and rushed at her with blinding speed, but Elizabeth stood her ground, then braced herself and unleashed the biotic power. Saren roared as the field surrounded him, but just before it lifted him off the ground, he took a mighty swipe at her.

His blow bypassed her hardsuit's shields and struck her full in the left shoulder, knocking her clean off her feet and sending her pistol flying. Elizabeth cried out as she hit the ground, knowing at once her shoulder had been dislocated. A gruff voice called her name, and then Kaidan knelt beside her, his face a mass of panic.

Saren floated helplessly above him, trapped in the gravitational vortex. Garrus stood with sniper rifle aimed, firing repeatedly into what was left of the husk's body while he had the chance; the lift would only last a few more seconds. Shepard ignored Kaidan's frantic questions, instead reaching over to snatch his pistol from his belt with her right hand. She brought the weapon up just as Kaidan seemed to remember his real duty; the lieutenant twisted around and shot off another lift to keep Saren in the air, and Shepard fired the pistol ceaselessly until it overheated.

By then the lights embedded in Saren's skeleton had gone dark and he had stopped snarling. Kaidan's lift died away and the remains of the body crashed back to the ground in a motionless heap. Garrus brought out his assault rifle and slapped in a cartridge of incendiary rounds, but before he could fire, the heavily implanted skeleton burned up on its own, vanishing into nothing more than a few scattered pieces of ash.

All three of them were silent, staring at the blackened piece of rock, taking a moment to realize that Saren was really dead this time and that they were all still alive…

Elizabeth looked back to Kaidan. Her right hand shook and she dropped the pistol before he could notice, attempting to sit up. She grimaced as her dislocated shoulder slipped but bit back the cry, sucking in a deep breath instead.

"Commander, I –" Kaidan began, but Shepard cut him off.

"Just give me some stims," she gasped. "I'll be fine. We need to get out of here. _Now_."

As if to emphasize her point, the Citadel around them shook again; more cracks splintered the walls and floor. A large chunk broke loose from the ceiling and plummeted downwards.

"Watch out!" Garrus called, and Kaidan threw himself over Elizabeth as the boulder-sized hunk of rubble slammed into the floor next to them, showering them with smaller debris and dust.

The lieutenant straightened up again, shaking white, powdery dirt from his hair and coughing, glancing over his shoulder to where the ragged edge of the rubble had landed mere feet away.

Garrus waved at the small cloud that billowed his way with a three-taloned hand. "Commander, can you walk?"

Shepard nodded.

"Here, let me…" Kaidan pulled a stim vial from his belt and injected it into Shepard's thigh, then moved around to put her good arm over his shoulder and help her to her feet.

Pain lanced up her right leg as she put weight on it but she refused to acknowledge that or the bloody gash on her calf that was likely the cause of it. Kaidan was bleeding too, she noticed, from a large cut across his back, and Garrus had a bad slash on the side of his face. But no one complained. They weren't out of this mess yet.

A bright flash of pink light from outside drew Elizabeth's attention, and all three of them looked up to the expansive observation window that had once looked out upon the lush and green Presidium. It now looked out upon a raging space battle, with the much smaller ships of the Citadel races darting around the Reaper like so many harmless fleas. But as the small group of soldiers watched, the monstrous synthetic known as Sovereign suddenly broke apart.

A strange feeling burst in Shepard's chest at the sight. A thrill of victory, quickly dampened by the fear of even daring to hope such a thing, followed by a terrible and overwhelming realization: one piece of the Sovereign flew directly toward them.

She looked at the other two, her blood surging with a brief fear before she wrestled it under control again. "Go!" she ordered sharply, shoving away from Kaidan so violently he nearly fell.

He turned back to her immediately, his dark eyes glancing briefly toward the impending doom looming in the window before coming back to her face. "I'm not leaving without you, Commander," he said evenly, moving toward her again.

Elizabeth stumbled away from him, shaking her head. "No, I'll only slow you down. You two go now! You can make it out!"

Garrus moved to stand beside the lieutenant. "The both of us could easily carry you –"

"No," Shepard said, knowing time grew all too short. The longer they stood there arguing with her, the less chance they had of living. And they _had _to get out… she would not be responsible for their deaths, not for either of them.

"Go, goddamnit!" she barked. "That's an order!"

Garrus hesitated. The turians were a structured and military race; it was in their nature to obey orders from superiors. He glanced from Shepard to Alenko nervously.

Kaidan didn't even blink. His bright stare bored into her soul, pleading with her, begging her.

_Don't do this._

"Commander –," he whispered.

"_That's an order, _Lieutenant," Shepard snapped, drawing herself up to her full height. "Get the hell out of here _right now_."

He took another step forward. "Elizabeth –"

The ear-piercing crash of shattering glass drowned his words, followed by the deafening roar of the Tower's artificial atmosphere rushing out into space. Rubble from everywhere went flying, swirling as if it were going down a giant drain. The fires snuffed out at once, the air whipped around Shepard's body and slammed her back into the wall alongside Garrus and Kaidan, pressing with crushing force…

Vaguely she heard alarms blaring, and then a strange whooshing noise marked a change in air pressure Shepard felt only in her ears. The suction of space ceased, the wind released the three soldiers and they crumpled to the ground. The debris that had once been airborne came crashing down again and Kaidan crawled to Elizabeth's side, attempting to shield her body with his.

The support girders above them creaked and groaned, but the strain and duration of the battle proved too much for them and they split at their welded seams, soaring for the floor in the newly-established gravity. Shepard saw the danger from beneath one of the lieutenant's arms, and there was no time for arguing. Without a second thought she gathered a biotic push with all the strength she had left.

Kaidan frowned at the flickering blue corona that sprang up around her body. His eyes met hers just as horrified comprehension dawned across his face. The agony in that expression touched Elizabeth more deeply than anything else in her life.

"I love you," she whispered, then closed her eyes against his look and unleashed a powerful blast of dark energy that threw both Kaidan and Garrus far away from her, far away from danger.

The roof came rushing toward her and Elizabeth Shepard barely had time to curl into a protective ball before her world was set aflame by pain and noise, and then all was silenced by blissful darkness…

* * *

The force of Shepard's biotic throw slammed Kaidan into a stairwell on the opposite side of the atrium so hard his vision blacked. When it cleared he found himself sprawled on the debris-strewn floor, gasping for air amidst the dust. He rolled onto his side with a groan, certain he had a few cracked ribs, and squinted through the acrid smoke to where he had last seen Elizabeth.

His heart froze in his chest as he found only wreckage. A huge pile of it – heavy, unyielding, impenetrable… crushing.

"No," he choked, shoving himself to his feet. He swayed, still out of breath, his whole body bruised. "No… Elizabeth…." He started toward her last location, unaware of the fact the Tower was not yet done settling from its abuse.

"Alenko, no!" Garrus' gruff voice warned, and then Kaidan felt hands on him, yanking him backwards just before another chunk of ceiling landed on his head.

"No, you can't!" Garrus insisted. "It's too dangerous!"

"Get off me!" Kaidan snarled, fighting the turian's grip. "We have to get Shepard –"

"It's too late, Lieutenant! We'll never get her out of there… it's too late…"

"No... no!" Kaidan refused to listen, refused to believe it. He could still get to her, she was still alive, he could still save her… "Elizabeth!" he screamed, fighting Garrus' hold with renewed fervor. His voice echoed through the cavernous space, but there was no answer.

"She doesn't want you to die for her!" Garrus snapped, giving Alenko a hard shake to try and jolt him back to reality. "This whole place is going to come down – we need to get out of here!"

But it was already too late. There was no escape for any of them, Garrus realized, seeing the ceiling above them begin to buckle. He tightened his grip on Alenko's arm and shoved the man down the nearest set of stairs. The turian dove after the lieutenant, deafened by falling walkways and walls, hoping that after all of this Commander Shepard's sacrifice wouldn't be in vain…

* * *

His voice reached her first, piercing the fog of unconsciousness, luring her back to the living. He called her name - her _first name_ - screaming it with an urgency that made her nerves tingle. _Kaidan_, she thought sluggishly. _I'm here… right here…_ But she couldn't escape the darkness, couldn't make herself speak, couldn't bring herself to move. _I'm right here…_

Eventually there was only silence again, and without his voice for an anchor, Elizabeth slipped easily back into oblivion.

* * *

She awoke with a gasp sometime later, her body burning with pain in more places than she cared to count. Her dislocated arm was bent at an odd angle and had gone numb, the gash on her right calf throbbed and her hair had been matted to one temple by what she knew could only be blood. Spikes stabbed into her skull with every heartbeat, her ribs felt compressed to the point of breaking. The blackness engulfed her, surrounded her, pressed in upon her from all sides.

"Captain Anderson, we found them! They're in here…"

The sound of the name brought her abruptly back from the edge of panic, focusing her pain-fogged mind better than any stimulant. Because if the captain was alive – and here - then that meant the battle against the Reaper had been won.

She remembered seeing the Sovereign break apart and the knowledge of that victory successfully dulled the intensity of her injuries, however temporarily. Elizabeth tried to shift, but the virtual tomb of rubble locked her in place.

There was the sound of muffled boots, the clatter of displaced debris, and then Captain Anderson's deep voice, echoing from across the atrium.

"Take it easy. It's over. You're safe now."

_They're alive!_ The jolt of relief gave new life to Elizabeth's beaten body; she searched more frantically for a way out, for some crack of light in the endless darkness.

_It's both of them, they're both alive, I know it… they got far enough away, they're alive, they're okay…_ She repeated it like a mantra in her head, using it to stay calm and centered. And then she saw it – a tiny pinhole of light. An opening to the surface.

"Where's the Commander?" the captain was asking. "Where's Shepard?"

Only silence greeted his question, and sudden understanding struck her. They thought she was dead.

"No," she whispered aloud, her voice cracked and dry. "No, I'm right here." But it was no use. She couldn't move. She ground her teeth, panting with her efforts to escape the weight of the ruins. There was only one thing left to do. She had to use a lift… it was the only way. She tried to ignore the white-hot pain in her head, tried to concentrate despite the utter exhaustion pulling on her every nerve.

_Just one last time…_

* * *

By the time Captain Anderson and the small C-Sec search-and-rescue team found them, Kaidan's tears had dried. He felt hollow inside, like there was nothing left. He could have lied there on the broken stairs till he died, and he wouldn't have cared.

His throat still felt raw from screaming for Shepard, but he had never gotten any answer. She was gone. He had lost her… lost her to a collapsing building after all they had been through…

The lieutenant squeezed his eyes shut and turned his face away as Captain Anderson reached down to help him to his feet. He struggled to bring himself under control, knowing the emotional breakdown that seemed on the verge of happening all over again would make his relationship with Shepard glaringly obvious. And he didn't want to add any more names to the list of people who already knew - Shepard wouldn't have wanted to, either.

He had to keep it together, for her sake. At least until he could go someplace alone. Then he could allow himself to feel the overwhelming grief, the suffocating sense of loss…

A commotion across the atrium drew the group's attention; a small avalanche of debris rolled and clattered down one long staircase, coming to rest near the place where Kaidan and Garrus had been trapped. The lieutenant squinted at the heap of displaced rubble, seeing a deeply scored, very familiar dark green helmet, its visor shattered.

His heart jumped into his throat and he leaned heavily on a nearby retaining wall, fighting the urge to be sick.

Another small rain of debris drew his gaze upwards again, and then, above the top of the Reaper wreckage still remaining, a head of disheveled black hair emerged. Elizabeth Shepard slowly struggled up the incline, bruised and dusty, limping badly, her left arm hanging useless at her side and her forehead encrusted with blood.

Garrus' mouth fell open. Captain Anderson and the C-Sec team stared.

But Elizabeth's green eyes looked only at Kaidan, and he straightened slowly from the wall. Every heartbeat felt like it might make his chest explode; he hardly dared believe she was real. He took off his helmet to see more clearly; forced himself to glance away, to look at the others and see if they were seeing the same thing.

Their expressions of shock and disbelief mirrored his own.

He looked back at Shepard, feeling relief so intense it made him light-headed. He started toward her, then stopped, remembering again there were witnesses. Elizabeth staggered in his direction, and despite her ragged condition and the obvious pain she had to be in, a slow, brilliant smile spread across her face.

And then Kaidan didn't care about rules or regulations anymore. He ran to her and clutched her to him, kissing her hard, and the fervor with which she returned his affections assured him she didn't give a damn who was watching, either.

* * *


	9. Epilogue: The Normandy: Habit

**Epilogue: The **_**Normandy  
**_"**Habit"  
**_Three days later. Serpent Nebula, Widow system. Aboard the _Normandy_._

Elizabeth was lightly dozing when the door to _Normandy_'s med-bay hissed open and shut again. She didn't pay much attention to it; people had been coming in and out almost constantly these past three days. They were mostly Alliance brass who couldn't wait until she fully healed to debrief her – or ask a million and one questions about exactly what had happened during her final battle with Saren, and what exactly had she seen in the Prothean 'vision', and so on and so forth.

So this time, when she heard the door, Shepard kept her eyes closed and breathing even, pretending to be deeply asleep and hoping Dr. Chakwas wouldn't allow her to be awakened.

"Lieutenant," she heard the doctor greet quietly. "Good to see you in here again. You missed your last appointment, you know."

"Sorry, doc. I was… being debriefed. They weren't going to let me go anywhere."

Shepard cracked one eye open at the sound of Kaidan's voice. He stood at the end of her bed, and she exhaled quietly at the sight of him still in uniform. They hadn't gotten much chance to talk after being whisked away from Citadel Tower, and she was pretty sure he didn't know the full extent of her conversation with Captain Anderson.

"How are your ribs feeling?" Dr. Chakwas was asking.

Elizabeth closed her eyes again when she saw Kaidan shift, turning his head in her direction.

"Still hurts when I breathe," he answered absently. "How's the commander?"

"She'll be fine," the doctor assured him. "A few broken bones, a minor concussion… worse off than you, but nothing a few days of rest and medication won't heal. How is the injury on your back faring?"

"It's fine," Kaidan answered, and Shepard heard him move up toward her head.

"Right." Chakwas didn't sound convinced. "Come over here, Lieutenant. Let me take a look at it while I've got you in here."

"Really, doc, it's –"

"Lieutenant."

He sighed, knowing better than to argue, and Shepard heard the dull clunk of his boots move away again. She waited a second, then dared to take another peek. Kaidan sat on the edge of the next bunk to her right, pulling his uniform shirt off over his head.

Elizabeth shut her eyes quickly, surprised at how just the brief glimpse of his naked torso made her blood pulse. She clenched her jaw, willing away the onrush of memories from their night before Ilos. That was not the kind of thing she needed to be thinking about right now.

Right now she needed to focus on what would happen next… for her, the crew, the _Normandy_, and all the Citadel races.

She'd been mulling over such thoughts during her conscious hours for the last three days, however, and they just made her all the more exhausted. On the other hand, the thoughts about Kaidan - the memory of his touch, his kiss, his voice in her ear… those made her feel very much awake.

"Hrm," Chakwas murmured.

Shepard latched her focus on the doctor's voice, deciding that for now it would be best not to think at all.

"Well Lieutenant," the woman continued, "it seems to be healing nicely. You're lucky. A lesser armor without a shield upgrade and you might have been paralyzed."

He grunted. "Yeah, well… the commander always made sure her team had the best of the best."

"Good thing. Her armor saved her, too, you know."

"Will she be asleep much longer?"

"I doubt it," the doctor answered, and Elizabeth restrained a frown. But then she remembered the vitals monitors – Dr. Chakwas probably knew she'd been awake this whole time.

"I was about to go and grab some lunch. I usually call my assistant to keep an eye on things while I'm gone, but if you have some time, Lieutenant, you're welcome to stay until I get back."

"Yeah," Kaidan answered, his voice briefly muffled as he shrugged back into his shirt. "I've got a little down time."

"Good. Then I will see you in about an hour." The door hissed open and shut, leaving the two of them alone with only the hum of the ship and soft beeping of the monitors around them.

Elizabeth opened her eyes, looking over to see Kaidan leaning against the next bed, a brooding expression on his face. He glanced up and saw her looking at him; the lines of worry disappeared, replaced by surprise.

"Shepard," he said eagerly, stepping forward. "You're awake."

She nodded stiffly. "I wanted us to be alone."

He knelt down beside the bed, taking her right hand in his and squeezing it. "I guess we won't have much chance for that anymore, will we?"

Elizabeth sighed deeply, carefully. "Probably not."

Kaidan's thumb ran gently over the top of her hand as a moment of silence stretched between them.

"I would have come sooner," he began quietly, "but it's a mess out there. Everyone wants answers. Options. Plans. _Something_. I've been in meetings and debriefings almost solid since we left the Tower. I couldn't get away without it looking… obvious." He winced and Shepard knew he was thinking of their passionate kiss so blatantly shared in front of Captain Anderson.

"I talked to the captain," she said. "As far as he's concerned, he didn't see anything. Said we had enough on our plate as it was, but urged us to take the necessary precautions to prevent any more breaches of protocol."

Kaidan nodded, still looking at her hand. "He talked to me too." The lieutenant cleared his throat. "He said I'm up for reassignment."

Elizabeth looked at the ceiling, her heart squeezing. She couldn't bring herself to tell him it had been her idea in the first place, the best way to keep him safe, to ensure her decisions wouldn't be swayed by emotion; to make certain a situation like the one in the Tower didn't happen again. But to hear him say it aloud… it seemed the most horrible idea in the world.

"Kaidan," she whispered, "when I was buried under that rubble… I heard you calling for me. I couldn't answer you, but… your voice pulled me back from wherever I was going. It kept me hanging on. It made me realize…" She trailed off, fighting the sudden sting of tears and swallowing hard. He gave her hand another squeeze, silently encouraging her to go on.

"I can't stop thinking of Mindoir," she finally forced out. "That feeling I got when I saw what the batarians had done, when it finally sunk in that everyone… everyone was gone…" She let a tear slip out and took a deep breath. "A horrible, yawning abyss, right in the center of me. I thought I would never survive that. Thought it would never get better."

She turned her head to look at him, saw him listening intently, still stroking her hand with his thumb. "It did, eventually. Mostly. But ever since that day I've been terrified of experiencing that… _emptiness_ again. Terrified, Kaidan. And I realized, first on Virmire, secondly on the Citadel, that losing you… if I lost you, I would feel that again. Only it'd be even worse, because I'd know _I_ was personally responsible… I'd know it was _my_ fault… because of my decisions, my orders…" She broke off, unable to continue.

He watched her for a long second, then gave the tiniest of nods, his dark eyes glancing back down to their hands, now tightly intertwined. A wry twist of a smile pulled at one corner of his mouth. "You recommended I be reassigned."

Shepard swallowed again, gripping his hand as if she could keep him by her side forever just by never letting go. "Captain Anderson knows your experience with the geth and Sovereign is invaluable," she whispered. "He wants to keep you involved. And I made sure you would never be left out of the loop – even for the classified stuff." She paused, releaing a quiet breath. "I didn't know what else to do," she admitted. "I'm the ranking officer, Kaidan. It's my responsibility… to make sure these things don't happen."

He wouldn't look at her. Elizabeth half expected him to release her hand, get up, and leave. His jaw muscles clenched briefly.

"I'm sorry for what happened in the Tower," he whispered gruffly, shaking his head. "You should have had me busted back down to Ensign for insubordination."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Kaidan, don't act like you're the only one who's guilty. I expected you to treat me like a superior officer when I was the one who… who invited you to stay in my quarters. That wasn't fair of me."

He glanced up at her and she held his dark gaze seriously. "And that's why I can't… I can't continue to be your CO," she finished, finding the words surprisingly hard to say. She knew without doubt it was the best course of action for both of them, yet a part of her still screamed out against it. She had made a habit of going to him for support, encouragement, reasoning, calm… how would she ever manage without that?

The lieutenant looked away from her again, nodding slowly. Another heavy silence settled over them.

"Well," he said at last, exhaling a long breath, "I guess at least that way I can take you out to dinner, right?" He brought his eyes back to her, lifting one eyebrow.

Shepard stared at him, surprised by the question, but even more taken aback by his optimistic view of the situation. Admittedly, she hadn't thought much past the agony of not being able to see him on a regular basis.

His proposal made her smile for the first time since climbing out from beneath the broken piece of Sovereign. "As soon as we get even a moment of shore leave, I'd like nothing more," she whispered, her voice choked by a swell of gratitude. She'd always appreciated his respect for rules and authority despite the feelings that often tempted both of them into disregarding such things, and his acceptance of being reassigned without argument or anger lifted a huge weight off her mind.

He raised both eyebrows, leaning down to trail feathery kisses along her bare arm. "_Nothing_ more?" he mumbled, his lips still against her skin.

Elizabeth snorted, pulling her hand away. "Don't get ahead of yourself, Lieutenant. I still have to dig us out of this hole. I did _steal_ the _Normandy_, remember? And let the Council be… blown to bits." She frowned. At the time her decision to have the Alliance fleet hold off helping the _Destiny Ascension_ in order to attack Sovereign at the first opportunity seemed sound. After all, if Sovereign hadn't have been defeated, nothing else would have mattered.

She had not really thought the asari flagship would be destroyed, however, and the fact there was now no longer a ruling body to govern Citadel space was a truly terrifying thought. Even more terrifying, though, was that Captain Anderson had informed her everyone seemed to be looking to _her_ for direction. And she was still holed up on the _Normandy_, trying to recover from nearly being crushed by the leg of a giant sentient machine.

"You also happened to save every organic being in our galaxy from guaranteed extinction," Kaidan said defensively, pulling her back from her troubled thoughts.

She granted him an appreciative smile. "I'm sure that's why we haven't been arrested." She failed to mask the bitter edge in her voice. While she was grateful the political higher-ups were finally taking the beacon's message and threat of the Reapers seriously, she couldn't help but think how many more lives could have been saved if they had only listened to her when she had first tried to warn them.

The lieutenant sighed heavily and sat on the edge of her bed. "They need you out there, Shepard," he said gravely. "The Citadel species are cooperating in repairing the station and helping the wounded, but the political front is… going nowhere."

"Captain Anderson told me they want _me_ to make a recommendation as to the next Council candidates," she acknowledged flatly.

Kaidan nodded. "Well, look at it from an average citizen's point of view. As far as they know the Council never knew this attack was coming. But then you and the Alliance fleet show up, prepared to fight, and save the Citadel. Humans are the heroes right now, Shepard, and most civilians – human or not - see you as our leader."

A small smile of amusement twitched his mouth. "The brass isn't too happy about that… but you _are_ a Spectre, so technically you outrank everyone else." He turned serious again. "Ambassador Udina wants you to suggest to the masses that a human should be included in the new Council."

Elizabeth groaned; the hand of her uninjured arm coming up to press against her forehead. "Of course he does. And let me guess, he nominated himself?"

Kaidan gave a slight shrug of his shoulders. "Pretty much."

"Over my dead body," Elizabeth muttered, and Kaidan grimaced. She frowned at his reaction, but then understanding gripped her. _I almost _was_ dead._ The look on his face just before she'd thrown him across the Tower's atrium was still burned into her brain. She would never forget that expression. Not ever.

Shepard reached out and took his hand again. "I'll help them choose their Council, but then I'm demanding the _Normandy_ crew get a few days leave. We'll go somewhere away from this mess."

"'We' as in the crew, or…?"

Elizabeth grinned, catching the hopeful lilt in his question. "We as in you and I, Kaidan. Just the two of us."

A toothy grin lit up his face and Shepard realized she hadn't seen him smile nearly enough. He shifted on the bed and shook his head, trying to kill the expression but not entirely succeeding. "The vids would have fun with that," he muttered, but something in his tone told her he wasn't as concerned as he tried to sound.

"I don't know," Shepard countered, "I think they'll have enough to report on as it is. The damaged Citadel, the new Council, why the geth are outside the Veil, what the hell was that giant thing that attacked us… you know, all that."

Kaidan's smile snuck back to his face and Elizabeth very carefully scooted to one side of the mattress, patting the space remaining with her good hand. "Lay with me," she invited.

The lieutenant's eyes widened and he glanced quickly toward the med-bay door. "Dr. Chakwas –"

"Won't be back for at least another forty minutes," Shepard finished for him. "And anyway, even if she comes back early you can just tell her you felt a migraine coming on and needed to lie down right away."

Kaidan regarded her skeptically for a moment, likely thinking the doctor would see right through such an excuse in a matter of seconds – and she would. But he finally reached a conclusion and squeezed himself onto the half of bed she'd left for him. It took them a few tries to get situated in a position that didn't cause either of them discomfort; they settled with Kaidan's left arm running under Shepard's head and her right side halfway leaning along his left side.

He grunted when they finally stopped shifting around and ran his right hand gingerly over his ribs. "You've got one hell of a biotic push there, Shepard."

She grimaced at the mention of his injury; she'd had no idea her biotics could be so powerful. Kaidan's experience with Vyrnnus flashed through her head and she suddenly had a whole new understanding of why he feared to lose control. "I'm sorry," she said huskily. "I didn't think it would be that strong. I didn't mean for it to be, but… I think my emotions influenced my control."

The lieutenant nodded silently, and she knew by the knotting of his brow he was thinking back to Vyrnnus, too. She rested her head in the crook of his shoulder and sighed deeply, feeling the painful tug of her own cracked ribs as her chest expanded. Despite her multiple injuries and their lingering aches, Kaidan's presence beside her made her wish she could lie in the med-bay like this for several more weeks. She snuggled into him.

"This is nice," she whispered, hoping to draw him back from thoughts of the past.

She felt his fingers brush the side of her face, pushing back her hair. "Did you mean what you said in the Citadel Tower?" he asked quietly, suddenly. "What you said before you sent Garrus and I flying across the atrium?"

Elizabeth turned her head to look at him. _I love you_, she had told him. She remembered it clearly. His brown eyes held hers steadily, but his face was a cross between hopeful and terrified. She smiled. "Yes," she said firmly, having also thought much about that over her three days in the infirmary. "Yes I did."

His eyes softened, his right hand running down her side to take her hand in his.

She cleared her throat, not thinking for a second that Kaidan didn't return her feelings, based on his past actions, but still experiencing a strong desire to hear him say it aloud. "I think that's your cue," she prodded playfully.

He smiled again, showing faint dimples. "Shepard, I've been falling for you since the day you told me having a Prothean nightmare downloaded into your brain wasn't my fault – even though you knew it was."

She grinned at him. "That's not true. We still don't know for sure exactly what set it off. And anyway, I guess it ended up being a good thing in the end."

"I guess," he conceded reluctantly.

"Kaidan," she spoke up, cutting his guilt-trip short, "why don't you ever call me by my first name?"

She felt the shrug of his shoulders through the arm that supported her head. "I don't know. Habit, I guess."

"But you did in the Tower."

"That was a… special circumstance. I didn't want to lose you… then I thought I _had_ lost you…" he trailed off, his free arm hooking around her waist and pulling her gently against him.

Shepard was struck yet again by the overwhelming urge to simply lay there with him for days on end, and the rest of the galaxy be damned. She didn't want to think about the chaos that still needed to be sorted out outside the _Normandy_, instead deciding to focus on the subject that made her happy for as long as she could. "So when you take me out to dinner," she asked into the quiet, "will that be a special circumstance?"

"I think that would count as one, yeah."

"Well, you've got about thirty minutes right now to practice breaking that habit, then."

"That's all?"

"Yep, so you'd better get started."

He buried his face in the crook of her neck and she smiled at the gesture. "I love you, Elizabeth," he whispered gruffly into her shoulder.

She closed her eyes, her fingers absently stroking his hair. "Mmm, I could get used to that," she confessed.

"Me too," he murmured.

* * *

THE END.

* * *

**ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:** Many thanks to the two lovely ladies who helped me so much in making this fic more sensical and readable, Rian Sage and crackferret! I really appreciate the time and effort you dedicated to beta-ing my chapters! Thank you also to all the readers and especially to those who left reviews, as that helps me to discover if my stories are provoking the reactions I hoped for. ;) Hope you enjoyed!


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